2024 Fantasy Primer

Oh howdy pardner! Don't mind me, I'm just dusting the cobwebs off of our favorite fantasy football/fanfiction website, it's been a while since anyone came around these parts. Have a seat why don't ya! *gestures to open seat at the bar*
We have a lot to catch up on, so you might want to get comfortable. *slides a drink down the bar with pinpoint accuracy*
It's been a long offseason, and you probably haven't thought about the ol' pigskin in quite some time, so why don't I get you caught up. Look carefully now, I don't want you to miss a thing! *Pulls down pants and bends over, revealing an unkempt and rashy brown eye*

Important dates/times

Due to the variance of players geographic locations, for consistency, all times will be listed in Nepal Standard Time (NPT),  UTC +05:45.

Friday, 8/23 6:45AM - League Mixer and Marble Race to determine Draft order (I think?  I feel I remember hearing something about consolation winner getting to chose their pick? I honestly don't care, I just love watching those little guys ride down the wacky track).

Sunday 9/1 6:45AM - Draft Night! Keep in mind this year is going to be an auction draft, so do your research!

Tuesday 11/5 - Guy Fawkes Day

Traded people trade people

Some people may not be where we remember them being last season, and that's okay. Let 's find out who's been boot scootin' and boogeyin' to new pastures.

Kirk Cousins' storied tenure in Minnesota has come to an end, as he moves to the geographically distant, but culturally similar Atlanta area. Carter has been quick to reach out and assure Mr. Cousins' that he is in fact invited to the cookout, an honorable invitation that I'm not sure Carter has the right to extend. It's not just Carter getting excited about Dirty Bird Kirk, as the whole Atlanta community has embraced him, and none more so than the Falcons ownership, who has shown complete confidence in Kirk by using their Top 10 pick in the draft on a different quarterback. This pick bewildered fans and analysts alike at the time of the draft, but Falcons ownership remains steadfast that this decision was a "misclick" and has been appealing the league for a remake, to no avail.

Stefon Diggs is heading to the Texans, after he and the Bills fell just short of the finish line multiple times. Despite a change of scenery, Diggs has made it clear that his goal remains unchanged. "I'm going to literally never take the blame for anything" explained Diggs in a preseason interview with Kolkata correspondent Chet Ubetcha, "The guys here know what to expect of me and what I set out here to do. And that's bitch and moan as soon as things aren't going my way". While the Texans WR corps gets a noticeable bump, this move has left the Bill's WR depth chart looking like a list of names from that Key & Peele sketch. 

Jery Jeudy is OUT of the Mile High City, and when he learned that Russell Wilson was leaving, asked to return, but was unfortunately informed that there are no take backs. Judge Judy should be a notable boost to the WR group for the Browns, and may finally give them the edge they needed to take on the Board of Education. And now, a fun tidbit from Jerry Jeudy's Wikipedia page: Jeudy wears a Jewish Star of David necklace, even though he is not Jewish. He bought the necklace because he has been nicknamed "Jew", based on the first syllable of his surname.

Russell Wilson and Justin Fields headline a new, improved(?) QB Room in Pittsburgh. This move comes across as though Steelers GM Omar Khan attended a Stock Market 101 course and just learned about the concept of "buy low, sell high". Both QB's have a lot to prove, as Fields was abandoned by his team for Pretty Nails Man, and Wilson has been ass for 7 years. Locker room morale has been improving rapidly however. Per reports from the Steelers Media, a story leaked about Russell making the whole team laugh after practice, when he ripped off his Terrible Towel in the locker room, revealing his 3 inch Wilson was tucked between his thighs. "Gee whiz! Where's my weiner!?" Russell exclaimed, and the whole team had a good chuckle about that moment.

Kickoff Rule Changes

You may be a bit confused the first time you see a kickoff this year, as everybody is lining up in different places and the poor kicker looks so lonely and you just don't know what's going on. Well that's because the NFL is taking a page out of the Uruguayan Football League's (UFL) book. Kickoffs will now have everyone except the kicker and returner standing around singing Kumbaya for a little bit so they don't run too fast and re-arrange their brain chemistry from the collisions.

While at first glance it may appear that the woke mob has come to take our big time bangers, the change should increase the amount of returned kickoffs, which has been at an all time low in recent seasons. We walk in the shadows of Giants (Devin Hester and Eric Decker), and hopefully this will be a step toward returning the great kick returns of yesteryear.

It happens every year, April rolls around, and suddenly our favorite oblong-ball players get bored of not doing anything and decide that they should probably be making more money than 1 Million 6th Grade Teachers combined. Well this year is no different, and with the salary cap going up like it always does, some serious bums are getting fat cash like we've never seen before. We can only hope that trickle-down economics does its thing, and all of our lives tangibly benefit from football players making more than the GDP of many small countries.

Jordan Love, who just finished playing his first complete season in the NFL, is the odds favorite to be a first ballot inductee into the bag securing Hall of Fame. While the Packers QB did finish second in the league in TD's last year, there's no other meaningful stat in which he breaks the top 5 (Top 7 if we're being pedantic). That being said, the stats don't tell the whole story, because he did put the team on his back and lead the Packers to a .500 record.

All this to say, Jordan Love is now the highest paid Quarterback in NFL history after signing a 4 year, $220 Million Contract. That's Amoré!

While Mr. Love's payday seems appalling in a vacuum, we really have to go back to last offseason to see the whole Roomba. Jalen Hurts set the wheels in motion by becoming the first Quarterback to earn $50 Million/year last April, and shortly after, Lamar Jackson joined him. Earlier this offseason, Trevor Lawrence was admitted to the club, along with Jared Goff. Even kickers are getting in on the action, with Harrison Butker signing a new deal worth 4/$25M, which is more money than I make.

Holdouts

While some key players have landed bookoo bucks this offseason, there’s been a couple notable holdouts who have been left on read in their request for more of the almighty dollar.

Brandon Hyuck recently put in an Extremely Goofy trade request with 49ers in his quest for a “Max” contract. Aiyuk has been bringing “the kid from Babadook” energy to the locker room for quite some time now, where repeated requests for him to "please be normal" have fallen on deaf ears. Aiyuk is entering the last year on his Rookie contract, and is hoping to at least get an inflation adjustment on his contract before Brock Purdy comes down to earth.

CeeDee Lamb is in a similar spot for the Cowboys, and has been AFK throughout the entirety of Dallas’ preseason camp. Jerry Jones texted some preliminary terms to the Cowboys star WR this past week, to which Lamb simply responded “Ewe” which has brought the situation to a standstill. When asked about the situation, Jerry Jones said that Trevon Diggs was a fantastic Cornerback and the team was looking forward to seeing his progress this next season. When informed that he was talking about the wrong player, Jones trailed off on an unintelligible rant about how the 1957 photo of him in Little Rock was AI generated. 

Courtland Sutton was holding out earlier this offseason, but has since agreed to attend training camp, although his desire for a new contract remains apparent. Insiders claim that no one on the team even realized he was missing.

That's all for now, I look forward to drafting a horrible team that I will chop my way into thinking is serviceable, only to have my dreams crushed like they are every year.

Here's to a great year, and remember it's not about winners and losers, it's just about making sure everyone has a fun time! Unless I am winning. See you all on the marble racetrack!