LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Okkkkkkk uhhh the Chiefs are still undefeated in the Swiftie era?? Umm YASS queen! We stan Taylor and Travis am I right??? 😍 Helps when the zebras are also riding Mahomes' 2 inch (neither shower nor grower) paltry pig pole. Dakota was hootin' and hollerin' after the 'Boys handed Bill Belichick his largest loss EVER. The Bengals are still doing that funny joke where they are putrid, the Eagles and Rams pull off big OT wins, and the Giants once again were pantsed, swirlied, drawn, quartered, dusted, and rinsed on Primetime TV.

Game Results

Bo0ya's ornery melonheads 108.94 - 106.86 Stated Island Jokers

This recap is sponsored by Josh drafting two defenses. Bo0ya Stephen really stole one here, the 3 starting WR's for the Melonheads combined for less than 6 points. Combined. Like, adding all their scores together it was less than 6 points. All 3 of them. Together. Stephen was heading into Monday Night with only a prayer that the Seahawks Defense could pull off a miracle against the explosive Giants offense. While Seattle may not have walked on water, they did everything but, including racking up 11 sacks against poor Daniel in the Lions Den, along with picking him off twice, one of which went all the way for a touchdown. One of the most improbable comebacks we've ever seen. Ironically, this could have been avoided if Josh played the Dallas Defense, but it turns out it's the only type of player you can't put in your Superflex spot. Josh once again enjoyed stellar Quarterback play, while his skill position players just couldn't get the ball rolling enough to give him any cushion for the pushin. Despite having the third fewest Points For, the Melonheads move on to 3-1, proving that sometimes it is better to be lucky than good. The Jokers slide to 1-3, and Josh's quest for a repeat gets that much tougher.

Jtopia Football Club 136.94 - 75.08 Hard Knockers 

Jared lost a heartbreaker in Week 1 to the Myers Men by .1 points. Since then, the Hard Knockers have not come within 34 points of their opponent on the road to 0-4. Picking joe Burrow in the 1st has hamstrung the Knockers in spectacular fashion, and they are left looking for answers and direction after another drubbing here in Week 4. 'J'topia capitalized on the J strat by having Justin, Justin, and James combine for 65 points, along with Nico Collins, who has been a pleasant surprise on an exciting Texans team. We'll keep an eye on Jay to see if he can stay succesful despite having Kyle Pitts. Since Jared is struggling to stay competitive, he has regressed to insulting some of the other managers in the league, which I can assume is the reason he picked up Josh Downs. 

Team Pup N Suds 141.92 - 162.92 Chafey's Tender Fellas

Team Pup N Suds has been on a meteoric rise to the top of the Kolkata Fantasy League since the draft. Currently 2nd in Points For, 1st in 'HaHa' meme reactions, 1st in Snickers apology letters, and 1st in DCOM team name references, Connors squad is looking poised to ascend to Fantasy dominance. Who could possibly stop this freight train? Who is going to come to our aid when Connor is unapologetically racking up tuddies? I. AM. THAT. HERO. Chafey's Tender Fellas answer the call, and save the league from wholesale Pup N Suds dominance. To make things even sweeter, Connor actually called me when he was up big time, and said "You're so bad, your team is garbage, I am going to win this game and also the whole league. You'll never have two tortillas". To be fair, it was looking dark toward the end of the early games. Kyren Williams had two early touchdowns and Stefon Diggs was Stefoning all over the Miami Defense with 3 Touchdowns. But thanks to a couple late Touchdowns from Puka and Mandrews, Chafey's team had a glimmer of hope. And that hope manifested itself in the Herculean body of Christian McCaffrey. McCaffrey exploded for 170 total yards, along with 4 TD's and the rest. I facetimed Connor after the W and he started hurling profanities at me while crying into his John Locke body pillow. 

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 80.88 - 146 Myers Man's Men 

You can't help but feel bad looking at Luke's team and seeing Ekeler and Saquon on the bench, injured. When these two star RB's get back on the field, I expect the Ducks to return to form. But then I stopped feeling bad when I saw he benched gigachad Baker Mayfield. Baker Hive rise up!! Boo this man! Most of Carter's production came from DMont and AJ Brown, who both delivered huge performances. Monty heard everyone saying that Gibbs was faster, quicker, better, cuter, sexier, hotter, younger, more fertile than him, and while that is all still true, Dan Campbell likes Monty more, so he gets the ball I guess. The rumors of AJ Brown's demise were inaccurate, and all it took was him bitching on the sideline about how he wanted the team to win by throwing him the ball instead of the other ways they were winning. Carter mercifully gave Danny Dimes a break this week, unfortunately Daboll did not follow suit, and if things continue, he will be more like Danny (early onset) Dementia. Carter has the most Points For in the league through 4 weeks, and Luke has the most Points Against. Very unlucky.

Team MingusBluesboys 81.82 - 86.1 Boof's Big Beefy Boys

This was a really shitty game, but unfortunately, someone has to win. Josh Jacobs finally broke out this week by Jingleheimerschmitting all over the Chargers, but everyone else on Carson's team vastly undershot their projections, and did poopy. Lamar Jackson broke out by lighting up the Browns, but everyone else on Boof's team vastly undershot their projections, and did poopy. Except! Alvin Kamara, who had probably the most fraudulent score I have ever seen, boosted heavily by his 13 catches that he converted for an average of 2.5 yards. This game sucked and both teams should feel bad. 

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

Zach Wilson kept the Jets fans from committing ritual sudoku and the Bengals still suck tiger penis. Here are this week's injured phalices.  

Tee Higgins- Tee has sustained a rib fracture and will surely be out for the foreseeable future. The Bengals can’t seem to get anything going, and this news is another blow to an already reeling organization. Burrow was asked to comment on the injuries and struggles of his squad but was reported to be on a “Bose Break.” Reportedly, this involves Joe entering a small dimly lit room and awkwardly dancing to Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” with a pair of Bose Quiet Comfort 45 headphones while whispering to himself “Joey Ice is Nice.”

Myles Garrett- Garrett clearly injured his foot and wore a boot after the loss against the Ravens. He has stated he will be back in action after the Browns’ bye week. He is reportedly consulting with Desean Watson on where to get his ankle rubbed out.

Justin Herbert- Herbert suffered a fracture on his middle finger on his non throwing hand. Seems like he will be fine after the Chargers’ bye week. It should not affect his upcoming ad campaigns and his film “Herbie Fully-Loaded” where he will star as a fictional version of himself in a slapstick comedy about drunk driving. The film will have no connection to the car franchise, but Lindsay Lohan is reported to be a co-star.

Matthew Stafford- Stafford sustained a hip injury but has assured others he is good to go next week. The injury he has sustained is rather ironic since he is struggling to connect with the youth on his squad since he is is old enough to be most of his teammates’ uncle.

Kenny Pickett- Pickett injured his knee in the horrendous loss to the Texans Sunday. It has been reported as a bone bruise and could leave him sidelined this upcoming week. Unfortunately, Mark Australia is still the offensive coordinator so things still look bleak in Pittsburgh. Pickett has been reported to have been considering adding an extra arm sleeve, second visor, or extra bands to his calves to “increase his rizz, gates” as an attempt to revitalize the offense.

Mike Evans- Evans hurt his hamstring and did not return to the matchup with the Saints Sunday.  Mike continues to produce regardless of the team’s QB or coaching. Hopefully Tampa Bay will wake up and pay the man. The Bucs have been struggling ever since Tom Brady milked that front office for all that green goop possible from the Teat of Tampa.

Matthew Judon- Judon tore his Biceps tendon in the massive loss to the Cowboys Sunday. The Patriots are an absolute mess, and losing one of their best defensive players will not help right the ship. Bill Belicheck has been reported to be restarting the Deflategate program with the end goal of deflating Mac Jones’ lungs.

Connor's Meme of the week

Boof’s Best Bets™

Week 4

Boof’s Best Bets

Wow what a week. Just this morning I heard someone at the water cooler say, “Wow my fantasy team is awesome. I drafted Mostert and Achane for only $1 each! I can’t believe Chad spent 63$ of his $200 auction budget on Joe Burrow. That’s a tough look. I can’t wait for our amazing bonding experience at next year’s auction draft. I have so much fun making memories with my friends during the auction draft.” Crazy! I guess everyone is doing auction drafts these days. (This personal anecdote was sponsored by an anonymous donation.)

A pretty fun week for football betting! The bears secured their tank job and allowed the Broncos to come back from down 17 in the 4th quarter to win. The Bills won Vegas a lot of money by destroying the fins. Patrick Mahomes gave us the bad beat of the week by sliding at the 2 yard line to run out the clock and secure Jets +7.5 cover. 

My best bets are killing it! But I’m actually losing a lot more than I’m winning. I bet on basically every game and took about 25 of those dumb prop specials at .50 cents each. I also can’t help but continue to lose money on 4-5 team teasers every week. At some point I’ll learn some lessons from these terrible habits, but probably not this week. This week I’m going to win every bet. 

Unsolicited advice to myself: Stop chasing live lines! Maybe? I’m very dumb and contradict myself in this section every week. If I had a lean going into the game, usually I stick to my guns and double down. So far this is very dumb! My original advice stands- if you have some great info like an injury or stat that may sway a game- it could be more profitable to wait and see if you get a better number during the game. However, make sure you are watching the game before you dive in and be willing to admit you are wrong. But sometimes you may be right?? Example- commanders eagles vs cowboys patriots. Both games had a heavy favorite at home. I live bet the patriots to come back a bit(they did not) and I live bet the eagles to take over the game at home (they went to OT.) So I was on the wrong side of both. But during the bears game, I knew they were not going to continue to play smart football and took the broncos to cover +18 around halftime. The bears are the worst coached team in the league and lost the game outright. So I guess the point is, a broken watch is right twice a day? 

Teams to target during games: Chargers, Vikings, Jets. All are talented teams but usually end up doing dumb things to nearly lose the game every week. Looking at you Brandon Staley!

Glucose Parlay: This was our group chat parlay on Monday night: 1st half SEA, 1st half over 22.5, DJ over 39.5 rushing yards, Geno over 11.5 rushing yards, DJ over 1.5 passing TDs

A valiant effort that unfortunately came up very short due to the giants being terrible at offense. Shoutout to those that have been sending in bets and trying to get a winner for everyone. Let’s keep that going! This Thursday night game is one for the true sickos but a group bet would make it much more fun. I’ll get in the lab and see if I can find any sharp plays to suggest. If you have ideas or longshots, send them and we can workshop a beauty! 

Boof’s Best Bet 11-9-1 🤑 

Week 4 picks results:

Puka, AJ Brown, Amari Cooper, DJ Moore over 70 yards ❌😢

Ravens Browns 1st Half under 18.5 ✅

Miami Buffalo over 52.5 ✅

Vikings -4  ✅

Sicko lock of the week: Broncos Bears over 47 ✅

Heavy favorites parlay Eagles -8.5, Cowboys -5.5, 49ers -14.15 ❌

Groupchat lock: Seahawks win ✅ (thank you!)

Seahawks Giants over 47 ❌

Sunday night Swifty lock: Kelce to score a touchdown and Chiefs -8.5 ❌