LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: In the second straight week of East vs. West matchups, the West finally stopped chewing crayons and managed to pull off a 3-2 victory. This week was the highest total points scored overall, as offenses across the league finally started picking up the pace. Here's how Week 8 stacks up against the rest of the fantasy season so far, in terms of points scored.

Week 8: 1,265

Week 2: 1,230

Week 4: 1,157

Week 5: 1,154

Week 1: 1,126

Week 7: 1,066

Week 3: 1,040

Week 6: 984

Wow, well that sure is some information. Pretty useless but I already crunched the numbers so you guys get to see it.

Once again, over half the league is sitting at .500, and this could be the tightest race for the playoffs that we have ever seen in the Kolkata Fantasy League. Buckle up boys, we're in for a wild ride.

Game Results

Team MingusBluesBoys 151.72 - 128.2 Chafey's Buff Boys

Long lost are the early days of the hapless 0-3 MingusBluesBoys, and this week only continues his ascendance toward the top of the crowded East. Carson's team put on a clinic this week, scoring the second highest total in a week filled with track meets. Everyone in Carson's lineup scored above their projection, except for Malik Willis, who Connor rightfully predicted would be booty cheeks. It's hard to pin down an MVP for the Blues Boys, since so many players outplayed their expectaions, but Tony Pollard specifically shined in Elliot's absence. The Cowboys RB put up 33 points behind 147 scrimmage yards and 3 tuddies, which will hopefully prompt Dallas to keep Zeke on the sideline in the future while he does his stupid cereal-eating celebration. Chafey's Boys didn't have the worst time, but in a week filled with high octane offensive performances, the lackluster output from Chafey's running backs didn't give him a fighting chance vs the Mingus gigachads. DeAndre Hopkins continued to be a bright spot in his second week back however, as whatever secret serum he is putting in his bloodstream appears to be working.

THE HOFFMAN BOWL

Bo0ya's ornery melonheads 96.74 - 126.7 Boob Plowers

Too bad Felix isn't in the league, because he would really love the brother on brother action that took place in this matchup. The Hoffmans, The Dukes, The Adonis's, (Adonii?) whatever you want to call them, this is the first time the two have clashed since Stephen joined the league. It was finally time for Stephen to unload 20+ years of repressed anger toward his brother after Luke forced him to express all the dogs anal glands at Father Hoffman's Veterinary Clinic. Unfortunately for the youngest of the Hoffmen, the only thing he was able to express was his disappointment at his putrid team. Stephen's squad was the lone team to not eclipse the century mark this week, even despite the wise decision to sit any Broncos he had. Part of this failure can be attributed to the Bucs Defense, who tried to execute the storied "Break don't Bend" defense to perfection. The Boob Plowers success is due in large part to the Renaissance man, or "Human Swiss Army Knife", Christian McCaffrey. The man is probably a better QB than Jimmy G, a better receiver than Deebo, and a better RB than Jeff Wilson, all wrapped up into one specimen. He is probably a better coach than Shanahan too, but we haven't seen that come into play yet. With serviceable performances from the rest of his team, Luke rode into battle on McCaffrey's sculpted back, and emerged victorious.

THE JOSH BOWL

Staten Island Jokers 101.84 - 121.78 Boofs big beefy boys

The Josh Bowl features Boof, the tormenter of seasons past, and Josh West, the king of season present. The Jokers haven't lost since week 4 while the rest of the league has been in a brawl right around .500. With Austin Ekeler and Travis Kelce on bye, however, the Jokers would need a boost off the bench to take down the Beefy Boys. Without the RB2 and TE1 on the season, Josh West's team looked like mortals, something that has not happened much so far this season. The Beefy Boys had some decent performances, but Alvin Kamara really took the cake, as he finally found the end zone for the first time this season, and he liked it so much that he did it two more times after that, along with 158 total yards. That performance sealed the victory for the Boof Boys, and finally put an end to the Jokers' reign of terror. This matchup provides a moral delimma for many Kolkata league members. On the one hand, Josh is comfortably in the lead, we want to see him brought down in the slop with the rest of us hogs. But could this be the beginning of another Buford takeover? Was Josh West's dominance the thin blue line between a world where Boof wins 3 seasons in a row? Only time will tell.

Myers Man's Men 129.86 - 130.06 Jtopia Football Club

When asked pre-game to comment on his showdown with Jtopia Football Club, Carter responded "I am Myers Man" and refused to elaborate. Wow. That's some confidence coming from the sophomore owner. This matchup was by far the closest of the season. Going into Monday Night, the Myers Men were feeling confident, only needing an average performance from his Bengals stack to eek out a victory. Unfortunately for Burrow, his college buddy Ja'Marr "Shakira" Chase was out after re-enacting the "Hips don't lie" music video during a touchdown celebration last week. The Bengals struggled all night, and looked like a shell of their former selves without the star receiver. It was not looking good for the Carter fans out there. But then, in what was essentially garbage time, Burrow connected to Higgins in the end zone, bringing the game almost even, just 20 more yards from Burrow would give Carter the victory, and it looked like they would get the ball back. They did end up getting the ball back, but would go three and out, which was the nail in the coffin for the Myer's Men, and for Katie's REM cycle. This all came despite a monster game from AJ (AKA AJ-11, JK, AJ, AKA AJ's the restaurant in Judsonia) Brown. He scored 36.6 points and now has more receiving yards then the entire Tennessee Titan's receiving corps on the season. But Jay leaned heavily on ETN and Jaylen Waddle. Etienne has cemented himself as the lead back in Jacksonville, and J Rob truthers are in absolute shambles. Jaylen Waddle has been just about as explosive as any receiver in the league, including his teammate, Tyreek Hill , as they are WR 4 and WR 2 on the season, respectively. Defenders try their best to take him down, but he simply Waddles away, sometimes, until the very next day.

Motor City Raw dogs 115.84 - 162.56 Team Pup N Suds

Adam Schefter: "Brian Robinson Jr. just burst up the middle on a handoff and ran right by Ron Rivera. On his way back, Rivera stopped the RB to give him a fist bump and pat on the back. Was smiling too, almost like, "Wow, this guy looks like fucking shit.”

It's a good thing the Pup N Suds kept him on the bench this week, because his team did not need any help going crazy on the tanking Motor City Raw Dogs. The city of Houston may have collectively killed Derrick Henry's dog or something of the sort, because King Henry continues to dad-dick the Texans into the ground at every opportunity. The big surprise was D'Onta Foreman, who took the lead role after Christian McCaffrey left on a mission trip to San Francisco. Foreman had over 100 yards and 3 touchdowns on the day, giving Connor a lovely return on his $3 waiver investment. The Raw Dogs really did not have a bad week, just had the misfortune of facing the white-hot Suds on an explosive week. Newly acquired Rhamondre Stevenson had a solid week, as well as newly acquired Lamar Jackson. Okay actually everyone on the Raw Dogs is newly acquired, because he's made like 40 trades in the last couple weeks. The roster overhaul could be just what the Raw Dogs need. Although Snickers still only gives him a 1% chance to make the playoffs because he is not mathematically eliminated yet, Jared could play spoiler to some playoff hopeful teams down the stretch.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

There were not many interesting injuries this week. Shockingly, no new injuries to the Ravens backfield or Giants receiving core were sustained this week.

• Green Bay Packers wide receiver Christian Watson suffered an injury and did not return to the game. This does not help an already struggling receiving core in Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers is regretting his separation from Davante Adams and he has been quoted saying “ I miss Davante so much. I had a wet dream imagining I was that photographer after that game in the tunnel. I wish Davante was still shoving me to the locker room floor. “

• Cooper Kupp suffered an ankle injury, but it seems to not be too serious. The Rams were getting destroyed, but Sean McVay knew he could not sub other receivers such as Van Jeffereson into the game or Matthew Stafford would not have any white targets to lock on to. Tyler Higbee was busy rubbing head and shoulders dry shampoo onto his and Skowronek’s hair on the sideline and Allen Robinson forgot his white Under Armour shirt so Matt would have had no potential targets on the field.

• Mark Ingram, the Saints backup Rb, left the game against the Raiders with a knee injury. It did not slow down the Saints who saw a great resurgence in Alvin Kamara and Daddy Dalton held down the fort as usual. Reports have surfaced that Melvin Gordon III has offered to dye his hair saints gold (rather than the unicorn vomit it is right now) and move to New Orleans if a trade offer is on the table.

• Jordan Poyer, the Bills veteran safety, hurt his elbow in the strong win over the Green Bay Packers on Sunday night. We are waiting to see the results of the MRI to determine just how bad the injury was and what to expect going forward. The Bills have a strong defense, but losing a veteran could hurt the team. Honestly, with that thick bitch Josh Allen galloping all over the field, pounding the turf with those pulsing thighs, launching his huge hog over defenders, and throwing lasers to everyone in sight, they may just need to field 5 guys covering the goal line as a defense to keep winning.

Connor's Meme of the week