Draft Day Recap

The 2022 Draft was an incredible feat of stamina and strategy, and our boys have acquired men for their teams. Josh lost internet because it rained, Stephen's picks were eclipsed by an intoxicating loop of baseball vs. ass, Jay shamelessly tried to insult Carsons pledge to sobriety, and Amari Cooper was picked last for the kickball team. More importantly we assembled our teams of meat men that will be our "Ride or Die's" for the next 16 weeks. Lets dive in and see how everyone performed.

For the ADP information below, I used Fantasy Pros 2022 Superflex Rankings, which can be found HERE.

NOTE: Our dear friend and brother IBS Watson has been deprecated by the soulless goons at ESPN. It appears that IBM's landmark progression in the Artificial Intelligence field has been deemed unworthy of the licensing fee, and so now our official draft rankings are decided by Snickers, the candy bar. Please take these rankings with a grain of salt and nougat.

Jtopia Football Club

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 6th

Biggest Steal: Jaylen Waddle - Pick 81 (ADP 58) Honorable Mention: Justin Herbert - Pick 20 (ADP 4)
Biggest Reach: Kenneth Walker III - Pick 101 (ADP 120)

The biggest news of draft night was Jtopia announcing his official fandom of the Detroit Lions. Jay backed that up by drafting literally zero Detroit players to his roster. The commish fleeced us all by picking up Justin Herbert at the 2/3 turn, which proves why mock drafts are for morons and idiots and people in leagues with some sort of basis in reality. While Jay firmly seated his team atop the upper echelon of QB play, the youth of his RB corps may come into play. Jtopia has 6RB's, and only 3 of them have ever actually touched the football in the NFL, led by the explosive rookie Breece Hall, out of Iowa State. Jay also has doubled up on RB's on the Jaguars and the Jets, who finished the 2021 season 22nd and 27th in Rushing offense, respectively. You guys thought this was just going to be a meme article, huh? I did my research, unlike Jay when it came to drafting running backs. On the Wide Receiver front, the JFC did find some extreme value in rounds 7-9, with Diontae Johnson and Jaylen Waddle falling far past their ADP. Despite the 6th place ranking by Snickers, Jay's team looks competitive and his QB room looks downright terrifying, we'll all have to imagine if someone else could have snagged up Herbert, had Jay not feigned inability to un-pause the draft during a pivotal strategic moment.

MYERs Man's Men

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 4th

Biggest Steal: A.J. Brown - Pick 59 (ADP 38)
Biggest Reach: Jahan Dotson - Pick 139 (ADP 162)

The year is 2010. Bethesda just made a positively poggers reveal at E3 showing off their new game, Skyrim. The timing is perfect, just last year you discovered The Elder Scrolls games and they absolutely changed your life. You cannot WAIT for a new Elder Scrolls, so in preparation, you play through all the old games to quench your appetite. You play through your old copy of Elder Scrolls Arena from a floppy disk deep in the closet, it's perfect, you want more. You play Elder Scrolls Daggerfall, it's even better than you remembered, so you play it again. Then you get to the good stuff, it's time to jump back in to Morrowind, the perfect video game. You play through it so fast you are pissed at yourself for not taking your time and enjoying it, so you play it again. Every quest, every achievement, every single line of dialogue, you soak it all in. But you're not done there, you still need to sink your teeth into Oblivion, so you play through that. You're an Elder Scrolls fanatic. You eat, sleep, breathe Elder Scrolls. You're on the forums siphoning every leak, every tidbit of information you can possibly consume to prepare for Skyrim. And then early in the morning on November 11, 2011, you wait outside GameStop until the moment they open, you are first in line to buy Skyrim, and you bring it home and don't do anything else until you've beat the game. This analogy ended up being a lot more long-winded than I intended, but in this scenario, Skyrim is the 2022 Fantasy Football season, and all the old Elder Scrolls games are the plethora of Mock Drafts that Carter has been running day and night to concoct the perfect strategy. Carter took a more balanced approach to the draft, and found Great Value™️ by doing so, spreading out his first few picks across multiple positions to assemble his roster. The Myers Men did utilize one extremely valuable strategy this season, and that was to minimize the amount of Atlanta Falcons on the roster. Outside of Drake London in the 10th round, Carter has fully separated business and pleasure. Now he won't have to worry about his fantasy team when he heads to the Mercedes-Benz on September 11th to watch the Falcons do their best Twin Towers cosplay.

Team Pup N Suds

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 10th

Biggest Steal: Melvin Gordon III - Pick 115 (ADP 113)
Biggest Reach: Romeo Doubs - Pick 106 (ADP 193)

Connor took the exact opposite route of Carter, and went all in on the homer picks, which could pay off tremendously if the Titans end up being the greatest football team ever assembled. To be perfectly honest, the Snickers and the Fantasy Pros do NOT like the Pup N Suds draft, with 73% of their picks classified as a "reach" according to their rankings, and the remaining picks falling almost exactly at ADP. This does not, however, account for obvious keeper picks (like Romeo Doubs) along with players who clearly "have that dawg in them" which Fantasy Pro's does not consider in their rankings. Another benefit of the Pup N Suds draft is they did achieve a +25 Camaraderie (I spelled this right the first time without autocorrect) bonus by picking up Fantasy Sweetheart Brian Robinson Jr., who has been shot. This kind of adversity can definitely rally the team to play above expectations. Not to mention that once he returns to the field, Robinson has an unprecedented advantage. The Rookie Commanders RB will have unrivaled aerodynamics as he takes the field with legs that are littered with holes, which could provide top-end speed like nothing we've ever seen before. Plaxico Buress tried this strategy in 2008, but didn't have the pain tolerance to add more than one hole to his leg, or the wherewithal to have someone else do the shooting, so he was sent to prison. Again, we are in uncharted territory here.

BOOF's BIG Beefy Boys

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 9th

Biggest Steal: Amari Cooper - Pick 110 (ADP 82)
Biggest Reach: Cordarrelle Patterson - Pick 90 (ADP 114)

I know what everyone's thinking, Boof had the second worst draft according to an arbitrary ranking from a candy bar, surely this is the year where he falls off the wagon, the end of his reign of terror, right? Do not get complacent, brothers, do not rest for one second, for when expectations are at their lowest, that is when Boof becomes most dangerous. Last season, Boof started off as an embarrassment to the sport of football, and by the end of the season, was full on Malenia, Blade of Miquella mode, each week with confidence we tried to solo her, but to no avail. I would review the players that Boof drafted, but we all know that in 4 weeks he will have completed 17 trades and assembled an Avengers-level superteam, so these players are mostly irrelevant. We do have to note that on-brand for the tender-hearted cutie, Josh did tread where no man dared, by pity-drafting Amari Cooper, who fell for about 700 picks past his ADP. The Beefy Boys also picked up Baker Mayfield to keep Trevor Lawrence and Kirk Cousins in check, adding to an unbelievably white QB room. I am not holding my breath here, Boof could be ranked 17th out of 10 by Snickers and I would still be scared of playing him. Keep an eye on Waivers and the trading block for this team to mold to Boof's will as he begins collecting infinity stones.

Chafey's Buff Boys

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 7th

Biggest Steal: Michael Thomas - Pick 109 (ADP 83)
Biggest Reach: DeAndre Hopkins - Pick 92 (ADP 108)

This is the part where we really started to raise some questions about the Snickers Draft ranking, as this was clearly the most flawless draft of the night. There are clearly some kinks that Snickers (and Mars Snackfoods as a whole) will need to iron out as they try to enter the Football analytics field. Chafey picked up DeAndre Hopkins in the 10th round who will keep the bench nice and warm for the first 6 Weeks of the season, as he continues to train by his motto: "Eat Clen, Tren hard, Anavar give up". Hopkins was suspended by the NFL for putting essential oils in his oatmeal, and joined the Buff Boys right before fellow veteran WR Michael Thomas, whose Hamstrings are coincidentally made out of oatmeal. These two round out a positively elite WR room, if it was 2018. Adding to Chafey's fragile roster is Kadarius Toney, who has stipulated that his teammates are forbidden from giving high-fives, or headbutting after a big play, due to fears of the Young Joker breaking his hand or being decapitated, respectively. Despite the obvious glitch in the Snickers ranking algorithm, Chafey hopes to rebound from a paltry performance in 2021, and turbo dab on the corpses of his enemies in 2022.

Boob Plowers

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 2nd

Biggest Steal: Kyler Murray - Pick 23 (ADP 14)
Biggest Reach: Deshaun Watson - Pick 138 (ADP 171)

Every story needs a villain, and I guess Luke is taking it upon himself to make sure he secures that title this season. In a League full of Fishers of Men, there is only one Plower of Boobs. While there is still some time to gain some respect and cut Deshaun Watson from the roster, Luke has made it clear where he stands with women. On top of that, Luke picked up Antonio Gibson, and while this is not inherently bad, Gibson has still yet to reveal his whereabouts on the night his teammate Brian Robinson Jr. was turned into swiss cheese. Conveniently, now Gibson finds himself secured back in the RB1 role in Washington, at least until his backfield partner learns to walk again. In a repeat move from last year, the Plowers also secured Kyler Murray, who hopes to repeat on his success from the front end of last season, bolstered by the announcement that his O-line will be playing on their knees so Kyler can see downfield. Unfortunately, other teams in the NFC West scouting reports identified key weaknesses in Murray's game, which has been leaked to the public here. The Plowers success also hinges on the top WR out in Tampa Bay, Mike Evans. Be on the lookout for this guy to swing matchups, as he can easily finish as a WR1 or a WR97 on any given week.

Staten Island jokers

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 1st

Biggest Steal: Nick Chubb - Pick 45 (ADP 15)
Biggest Reach: Devin Singletary - Pick 76 (ADP 104)

Sources: Josh is beside himself. Driving around downtown Hilo begging (thru texts) Verizon for a modicum of service for his WiFi hotspot. After finally finding a nook in rural Big Island with some cell service, Joshamme proceeded to be attacked by chickens. Despite the cellular issues and the fowl play, the Jokers found themselves with the top team of the draft, according to our Caramel Milk Chocolatey overlords. Josh started off strong by auto-drafting Austin Ekeler, and never looked back after that, but despite claiming that he has no recollection of drafting Cam Akers, once he learned he achieved the coveted Snickers #1 spot, Josh claimed it was all part of his master plan. It's possible the #1 draft grade was granted out of sympathy, as we have to address the turbulent offseason it's been for the Jokers. Back in January, one of the faithful members of the Staten Island quartet unexpectedly parted ways with the team. Joe Gatto claims he left the Jokers to "focus on being a co-parent to his two beautiful kids" but his later statements shed more light on the true motivation behind the move. In a candid interview with TMZ, Joe explained that his wife actually left him during the historic TE draft debacle in 2020. "She boomed me," Joe exclaimed, "My sweet wife turned on me, and she was right, I was that seasons losing Joker" Joe went on to further dismiss management as a "Clown Show" further cementing the rift between the estranged Joker and team President, Josh West. We'll see if the team can rebound and put this media storm behind them this coming season.

Mingus Blues Boys

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 3rd

Biggest Steal: Darrell Henderson Jr - Pick 148 (ADP 121)
Biggest Reach: Jarvis Landry - Pick 128 (ADP 156)

Mingus hopes to rebound from a disappointing 2021 campaign, and gave himself great chances at doing so with a strong draft. After snagging a couple Powerhouse RB's in the first 2 rounds, The Blues Boys, focused on WR and QB in the following rounds to fully assemble his balanced attack. With Rodgers, Stafford, and Wentz filling in the QB position, you could definitely say that Carson has a 'type' in who he wants leading the offense. Carson has always lived by the mantra "If it's broke, don't fix it" which is why he has drafted DK Metcalf for the 3rd straight year. It's worked out so well in previous seasons, evidenced by all of Carson's championship trophies, so it makes sense he would return to this winning strategy. The great draft ranking can partially be attributed to Carson's recent dedication to staying clean from alcohol for over a year (great job Carson, that's actually really awesome), which resulted in a clear mind during the overwhelming stress of the draft. We would also like to congratulate Carson for being clean and abstaining of any Fantasy success for almost 30 years now. What a commendable effort, lets see if he can keep it up.

Motor City Raw Dogs

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 8th

Biggest Steal: Jameis Winston - Pick 127 (ADP 80)
Biggest Reach: Chase Claypool - Pick 94 (ADP 126)

It's not often that you see someone begin the draft with their top 3 picks all from the same team, and it's even less common that you could look at all 3 picks and say "You know, those are all really good picks", but the Raw Dogs have done just that, with their first three off the board being Joe Mixon, Ja'Marr Chase, and Joe Burrow. The Raw Dogs may be based out of Detroit, but they will be keeping a close eye on their neighbors beyond Lake Eerie down in Cincinnati. If the Bengals offense can continue their fast paced, high flying antics, then the Raw Dogs may be in for a great season. Outside of the Big 3 in Cincinnati, the Raw Dogs are a team of redemption, the character arc potential on this team is unrivaled, with storylines that could rock the NFL if Jared chose these diamonds in the rough accurately. Ezekiel Elliot seeks to return to the upper echelon of NFL running back's solely so he can return to doing that stupid cereal eating celebration after every 4 yard gain. Chase Claypool hopes to put to rest any mental concerns, after he went on a full-on CTE fueled celebration on a first down, killing the clock and losing his team the game last year. and Famous Jameis Winston hopes to etch his name in Fantasy Football lore using a stolen crab leg, by straight up chucking the ball downfield, whether it be toward a teammate, opponent, or practice dummy. The storylines are there waiting to be written, lets see how it unfolds for the Raw Dogs.

Bo0ya's ornery melonheads

Snickers™️ Draft Ranking: 5th

Biggest Steal: Zach Ertz - Pick 144 (ADP 111)
Biggest Reach: T.J. Hockenson - Pick 64 (ADP 96)

THE OFFICIAL GYM RAT SQUAD OF THE KOLKATA FANTASY LEAGUE: The Melonheads are the official Gym Rat/Lunch Pail team of 2022, trotting out Cooper Kupp, Tom Brady, Hockensen, Goedert, Zach Wilson, and Zach Ertz. This squad is definitely built on some scrappy players, real first in, last out kinda guys. With a Gym Rat percentage of 40%, the Melonheads nearly doubled the 21% League Average Gym Rat roster makeup. The Melonheads got into the draft early and poured over the player list, scouring it front to back multiple times, but to Stephen's chagrin, there was no Pablo Sanchez to be found. Moving on from this heartbreak, Stephen decided the next best strategy was to further cement himself as part of the infamous "Broncos Country" and is riding (or dying) with Russell Wilson and Jerry Jeudy. While not as top heavy as the TE drafts of legend, Bo0ya did take some notes from the Josh West school of drafting, picking up 3 TE's over the course of the evening. Technically he could play all of those at the same time (TE, FLEX, OP slots), but that would be very stupid, so hopefully he'll find one winner there and lock them in. Lets see what the league newcomer can bring to the table, taking on the reigning champs week 1.