LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead! Steelers and fans of positive yardage everywhere are rejoicing in wake of the news that Matt Canada has finally been dismissed as Pittsburgh's Offensive Coordinator. Interim OC Steve Mexico has already been gaining favor in the locker room by calling everyone "ese" ad nauseam. Robert Salad has finally announced that Tim Boyle will be the starting QB next week. Boyle's college career consisted of a 55% Completion percentage, -162 rushing yards, 12 TD's and 23 INT's. This man either has some serious dirt on NFL coaches, a miraculous head game, or it might just be indicative of how much everyone truly, deeply, hates Zach Wilson. Brandon Staley got a wittle amby at a press conference when asked if he would continue calling the defense. Staley said "I know I'm getting fired, okay, please, for the love of God stop rubbing it in. I just want to hit the showers while I still can". Joe Burrow unfortunately had his season cut short by a torn ligament in his throwing hand. No one is brave enough to say it, but heck, I will. This is karma. In 2019 we had a gender reveal party for a little nugget that would later be known as Violet. Through the brilliant planning of my wife, this landed on the exact same date and time as Oklahoma playing the CFB Playoff Semifinals against Joe Burreaux's LSU Tigers. I had to try to make conversation with friends and family while Joe Burrow threw for 500 Yards and 7 TD's right in front of my eyes. I had to keep a great big beaming smile on my face while Justin Jefferson jogged through our stout Lincoln Riley Defense™ for 14 catches, over 200 yards, and 4 TD's. And then I had to feign joy as pink confetti burst into the air directly in front of a 70" TV displaying the final 63-28 score. So am I sad Joe Burrow got injured? No. Not in the slightest. It's because of him that I may never truly love my daughter, because every time I look in her eyes, all I can see is Joe Burrow's cocky ass smoking a victory cigar and Ed Orgeron mumbling about gumbo or something in a language that literally no one can understand. For more proof, here is a picture of me at the "party" in question. Look at me attempt to smile while I am literally a lifeless flesh sack devoid of any soul or feeling. Thanks a lot Joe Burrow.

Game Results

Hard Knockers 137.92 - 130.5 Team Pup N Suds

Well, it happened again. Connor played the team that scored the most points on the week. Not only that, but the Pups had the second highest points scored. For those out there that struggle with math, this means that Connor would have won this week if he had played literally anyone else. This is honestly getting pretty sad at this point, and I have to commend Connor's attitude, because a lesser man, or a man of Nevadan descent, would have surely erupted and quit the league by this point. To compound on the statistical improbability of this happening again, Connor also had three players score exactly 17.7 points and almost had a fourth, with Tua coming up just .1 short. On the other side of the coin, this extends a 4 game winning streak for the Hard Knockers, who have launched themselves right back in the middle of playoff contention after a disastrous start. The Knockers continue to string together wins and have quite the Cinderella story this season after everyone had pretty much counted them out. Not only that, but Jared also correctly predicted that Gus Bus would score 2 touchdowns on Thursday Night, which is honestly a little spooky and might be witchcraft related.. I'm not entirely sure because my parents wouldn't let me watch Harry Potter when I was a kid.

In an effort to piss everybody off with hypotheticals, Connor's unluck this season inspired me to take a look at one of the most popular proposed rule changes (aside from Auction Draft), which is the idea that every week, each team plays 2 matchups. One matchup against their opponent, and one against the league average, ideally to avoid the scenario that Connor has faced multiple times this year where RNG gives him the big middle fingie.

After creating an intricate algorithm to retroactively analyze past matchups and assign necessary wins and losses (I looked at all the past weeks and added them using notepad), here is what the current standings would look like in that scenario:

EAST
Mingus BluesBoys: 15-7

Booya's Melons: 13-9

Boof's Beef: 11-11

Chafey's Fellas: 10-12

Jokesters of Impracticality: 9-13

WEST
Jay's Soccer Team: 15-7

Myers (of Man's fame): 12-10

Puppin Suds: 11-11

Knonckers: 10-12

Dunk Lunk: 4-18

There  are some minor shifts all across the league, but the real noticeable one is clearly the Pup N Suds. With 3 weeks of beating the league average while losing the matchup, Connor's win percentage increases from 36% to 50%.

While the other teams look relatively unchanged as far as league standing, if you looks at Bo0ya's win percentage, you can see that he would be the biggest loser from this scenario. Stephen is the anti-Connor, in that he has won 3 matchups in which he scored under the league average, so in this model, his win percentage tanks from 73% to 59%.

Not really sure what do with this information, but feel free to draw draw your own conclusions and cope/chop accordingly.

"Take that for data!" - David Fizdale

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 102.4 - 104.94 Bo0ya's Ornery Melonheads 

It's been a while since we had a good ol' fashioned Hoffman Bowl, and frankly, the stakes have never been lower. The Melonheads are pretty comfortably in playoff position, while the Unlucky Ducks have essentially nothing to play for anymore. But we know that nothing can come between some brotherly competitiveness, and a chance to play spoiler could be motivation enough for Luke to find a will to live. Luke is also trying to avoid the longest losing streak in Kolkata history, so there's that, too. This game was neck and neck throughout the whole weekend, and all came down to the Monday Night Super Bowl rematch between the Eagles and Queefs. Things were honestly looking grim for Luke after Kelce had an early touchdown, and as time was continuing to tick down, all hope seemed lost. But with 5 minutes left in the 4th, Jalen Hurts launches a BOMB to Devonta Smith, who is beelining toward the endzone. Now, I have watched this play probably 20 times now, and I think it was just a hair underthrown so Smith had to adjust, but for the first 10 watches I could have sworn that he intentionally fell short of the goal line for no reason. It was like before the game, Devonta's mom had taken him aside and said "remember who you are and whose you are." which reminded Smith he was on the Lucky Ducks, and that winning was simply not an option (He couldn't find an opportunity to get injured during the game). While this catch did give Luke a .2 point lead, that was quickly erased on the next drive when Kelce got a couple grabs to secure victory for the Melonheads. A devastating loss for Luke, but an epic end to the Hoffman Bowl regardless. To make matters worse, after this loss, the Lucky Ducks are mathematically, geographically, politically, and absolutely eliminated from the playoffs. Luke will have to find joy in the possibility of ruining other teams' seasons as we move on. 

Myers Man's Men 121.42 - 124.42 Jtopia Football Club

This week was absolutely jam packed with close matchups, and we had another one here in the Late-Bloomers Bowl between Jay and Carter. Between both teams, this matchup featured 4 Atlanta Falcons players that were benched on Bye, which probably explains why it was was such a high quality game. Okay wtf James Cook scored 17.7 points too, and now I feel like that guy on The Rehearsal because I am seeing this number everywhere. This game was very close throughout. Both teams mildly exceeding projections across the board, solid performances all around. But heading in to Monday Night, Carter just needed more than 4.3 points from AJ Brown to seal the deal. Jay knows he's dead meat, he's already told Shelby he's going to sulk in his room and play Crusader Kings IIX: Europa Total War Pillars of Mythology Act IV REMASTERED Definitive Edition for 5 hours to cope. Carter knows he's got the W so he cozies up to Memphis in bed because it's already past 7:45 PM and he can barely keep his eyes open. And why shouldn't he? AJ Brown has scored over 4.3 points in LITERALLY every game this season, with 80% of those being over 15 points. Well Brown took this as the opportunity do the funniest thing ever and had only one catch for 8 yards. Carter wakes up and heats up his favorite cup of Java expecting to enjoy some good Brown, but is greeted by bad Brown. Perhaps the worst Brown he's ever seen. 

Team MingusBluesBoys 106.32 - 89.6 Chafey's Tender Fellas

Well my team freaking sucks. I have 7 different 'OK' receivers and I have yet to choose the right ones in a matchup yet. Cooper Kupps ankle is still made of paper maché, Garrett Wilson is catching ducks thrown from an unlikeable gremlin, and Mark Andrews can't stop eating Donuts so his diabetes-ridden ankles crumble at first contact. Carson's team got bit by the injury bug as well. It's Joever for Burrow, and Pete Carroll actually acknowledged that Kenneth Walker was injured, so that means he could be already dead. Tyreek Hill hurt his finger or something, but that didn't stop him from dropping 25 on my stupid head. Honestly, doing my own matchup is my least favorite part of doing the report because I am running out of ways to creatively say that my team sucks. Carson retains first place and hopes to keep the lead heading into the playoffs. Chafey hopes for a miracle.

Staten Island Jokers 121.9 - 101.7 Boof's Beefy Boys

Our two only league champs thus far squared off this week, and both squads are right in the middle of the East so far this season. For the Beefy Boys, Lamar Jackson showed up on Thursday Night, even after looking like he might be injured in the 1st Quarter. Keenan Allen had another great game vs the Packers, despite the Chargers continuing to lose every single game in the exact same fashion. Despite the Chargers struggles, Allen has been rock-solid this season, and is now WR2 on the year. This old man continues to hang dong on the league. Hollywood Brown has looked more like Bollywood Frown since Kyler's return, which is surprising considering their chemistry goes all the way back to college, so we hope to see improvement there. For the Jokers, as expected their Quarterbacks were good. They always have been good, they always will be good. They are good literally every single week. What's not so good is that Josh has yet to do a sunk cost analysis on Aaron Jones, who has not lived up to the 4th round pick, and has had an injury designation every single week since middle school. Luckily for the Jokesters, the Cowboys Defense swooped in to put Boof in the grave, with an impressive 23 point outing. These two teams will continue to duke it out in hopes of reaching the playoffs and establishing the dominant Josh. 

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

Mingus has strep this week (insert joke here.)

1. Kenneth Walker III- Walker injured his oblique after a run early in the Seahawks loss to the Rams. Walker may miss some time and is questionable for Thursday’s matchup. It has been reported that when he cut across the field, the power of  his thigh meat and ass capital produced similar force to an F-16 breaking the sound barrier. No wonder the obliques couldn’t handle the force of that man.

2. Cooper Kupp- Kupp sprained his ankle again and will need to be monitored going forward. Good thing the Rams still have poopoo babooka to throw the ball to. However, Matthew Stafford was seen on the sidelines watching Andrew Tate videos to cope with the loss of his 57 targets per game aryan receiver. 

3. Geno Smith- Geno Smith hurt his elbow after getting demolished by Aaron Donald. It was reported that the previous play, Geno was giving out pre-snap signals doing his best Donald Duck impersonation to rile up the 3x DPOY and it seems to have given the Defensive lineman all the motivation he needed.

1. De’Von Achane- Achane immediately re aggravated his knee Sunday, and it will be interesting to see if he is able to get onto the field. It has been reported that Achane has been spending his recovery getting relationship advice from Tyreek Hill, so if anything, he will know how to apply stage makeup like a broadway producer by the end of the season.

Connor's Meme of the week

Boof’s Best Bets™

Week 11

Boof’s Mid Bets

Well. Not much of an updated needed this week. I’ve very publicly been going through it in our chat. I’ve had 3 big bets that fell through due to one leg missing by a few yards. No need to rehash, BUT IF KINCAID HAD 2 MORE YARDS I WOULD HAVE SMASHED ON SUNDAY. 

Shoutout the true Josh! Jest almost hit an insane bonus bet to win 500 but did smash a $1 bet for nearly $100! 

I’ll keep it brief this week with some quick hitters:

-Iowa continues to impress with disgusting unders. This week, they play Nebraska and the points total is sitting at 27.5!! I think we have to play the under out of respect. (P.S. Iowa is going to be in the big ten championship against M or OU lol)

-Speaking of, the Michigan vs Ohio State is shaping up to be the biggest game I can remember. The scandal, no Jim on the sidelines, both undefeated- it’s going to be a big one!

-FEAST WEEK! College bball, rivalry games, nba, nhl, turkey day football, etc it’s going to be electric 

-nfl is heating up! The last spot in the AFC is up for grabs and the Eagles just took the #1 spot in the AP poll. Stroud boy is for real, titans are dead, Ridder is back?, and Dobbs and Fields are about to wreck the Lions 😈

-MvP race is wide open!! If you think this could be the year a non qb wins, Tyreek is currently 60-1 👀

Happy Holidays glucose. Please send me some winners, I can’t stop and won’t stop parlaying until I reach perfection. This is the week