LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Bragging rights were on the line in Week 7 for the Kolkata Fantasy League, which featured a full slate of inter-division matchups between the arbitrarily assigned East and West divisions. Despite some close games, the East emerges as the undisputed champs, going 5-0 versus the pitiful West. If the playoffs started today, the West would be completely shut out of title contention. But luckily for them we have eight more weeks of muddy, dirty, sweaty man on man contact left before the playoffs.

Game Results

StATEN iSLAND jOKERS 124.94 - 111.74 Jtopia Football Club

Another week, another Josh West victory, as the top dog in the league continues to stave off the pack by putting up big points, and may just laugh-clap all the way to a Fantasy Championship if he keeps it up. Josh and the Jokers rise to the top has been anything but impractical, as he currently leads the league in Points Scored by an 80 point margin, and his only loss was a nailbiter on the Boob Plowers' highest scoring week of the season. This week, Jay got the short end of the stick, which has unfortunately been a common theme for the JFC, who has the most points against by wide margin, but is still holding tight to a 3-4 record, which keeps him right in the thick of things in the tightly packed West division. This week, Jay was without Josh Allen and Gabe Davis, but Justin Fields stepped in nicely to fill the void. Ryan Tannehill, however, could not fill a void if it smacked him in the face, as he pooped out a gnarly 3.8 points. For the Jokers, Ken Skywalker III and Austin Ekeler combined for almost 60 points, and Nick Chubb continued his stellar performance. This RB room is stacked, if we're to have a chance against Josh, someone may need to wish some harm on these young men (not me, but if someone else did it, idk).

Boof's big beefy boys 86.84 - 107.66 Chafey's Buff Boys

Boof's highest scoring player was his defense, which tells you just about all you need to know about his team's performance this week. The Beefy Boys' two Wide Receivers, Tight End, and Flex scored 4.2 combined points. That is really really bad and not something you see super often. After the game, Buford was seen in the locker room spanking himself until his buttocks glistened red, while exclaiming what a "bad boy" he was, as he stood before the full length mirror gazing at his throbbing rear. The distraught manager then curled up in the fetal position and began sucking his thumb while humming Rocky Top. A bizarre scene for certain, and one we will continue to monitor. Management for Chafey's squad was too indecisive to cut someone from the team, so they opted to play without a defense. There were contingency plans in place, but it quickly became clear that Boof's Beefy Boys just didn't show up this week. This weeks matchup settles the debate for now, Buff > Beef.

Team MingusBluesBoys 93.28 - 98.24 Boob plowers

The Boob Plowers also opted not to play a defense, however, they did not make that decision until the victory was already secured. So I guess that's smart but not nearly as cool as pulling the Defense early like a Gigachad. Even with the Defense in the lineup, this would have been a close matchup, as both teams were neck and neck throughout the weekend. For the Plowers, Kyler Murray continues to be just 'ok' as the Cardinals defense carried them to an easy victory with back-to-back Pick 6's. Some team chemistry issues may be brewing, however, as injured WR Marquise Brown noted that recently, Kyler has not been joining in while the Squad uses Team Emote 98 in the PUBG lobby. Definitely something to keep an eye on. This also was the first game for Christian McCaffrey playing with his new team, and his excitement quickly faded after learning that his Carolina salary only afforded him a studio apartment in San Francisco. Regardless, it was the lowest scoring output of the season, which is to be expected considering his snap count and the whole "only joining the team 2 days before the game" thing. Carson continues to ride the DK Pain Train, as the beefcake WR matched his daily carb intake with 1.7 points scored. Carson has already committed to drafting Donkey King next year, which will make Metcalf a Senior at the School of Mingus. Despite the loss, Carson remains locked in the 4 way tie atop the West division, but his team nearly has the lowest points scored against on the season. Gonna need to see a better scoring output from the Blues Fellas to inspire any confidence in the future.

Team Pup N Suds 117.66 - 91.1 Bo0ya's ornery Melonheads

The Pup N Suds are very quietly 5-2 on the season, second in the East, Second overall, and right on the tail of the Staten Island Pranksters for 1st place in the league. Not only that, but the Pups also have endured their Bye week hell, and should be mostly in the clear for the future. The only thing giving me pause is the fact that Connor has been pretty lucky with points scored against him, in the sense that no one is scoring points against him. Jay's team has had almost 250 more points scored against them than Connors on the season. The points scored by the pups are also on the lower half of the league, but football is a game of matchups, and the PNS's have been winning games, so it's hard to complain. Now it's time for our weekly check-in on the Pup n Suds QB curse. This week, sure enough, after the Week 7 loss to the Titans, Matt Ryan is diagnosed with a grade 2 shoulder sprain. However after getting a second opinion, Matt Ryan's diagnosis was changed to a grade 3 fractured ligma. This one gets an asterisk on the curse list, because the colts were probably just looking for an excuse to bench Matty Ice anyways. This week's star of the show was Josh Jacobs, who has been having a stellar season and is now RB4 on the year, despite a slow start. In the spirit of Halloween, a full moon completely eclipsed the Sun God's performance as he suffered a "non-concussion head injury". Coincidentally, rumors in the Lion's locker room surfaced attributing Amon-Ra as the "Throat GOAT" during this same time frame. At Wednesday's practice, St. Brown was listed as a DNP for a bruised esophagus. We'll see if he can heal up and handle the full load next week. Sorry Stephen I've already spent way too much time on this matchup so I gotta move on to the next one. All I can say is imagine starting Brett Rypien lmao.

Motor City Raw dogs 112.18 - 127.94 Myers man's Men

Jared has had a rough go of things this season, with some unfavorable matchups, bad trade luck, and some untimely injuries. Snickers has dropped his playoff chances in half since last week, from 2% to 1%, but technically there is still a chance. The Myers Men are right in the middle of the pack and still hopeful for a playoff berth this season. Carter's eyes were glued to the big screens at Taco Mac as he had a lot invested in the Falcons-Bengals game, and rightfully so, as Joe Burrow and Drake London combined for 40 points! However, the Raw Dogs also had a Ja'Marr Chase up their sleeves, and he capitalized on many of Burrow's points, shrinking the advantage for the Myers' Men. The Eno Benjamin pickup for Carters team did prove very fruitful, as he solidified a comfortable lead earlier in the week on Thursday Night. Jared needed a herculean effort from Damien Harris on Monday Night, and instead got an effort akin to Phil, the little goat guy played by Danny Devito. Motor City is perhaps drifting too close to it's real-life counterpart, although the Lions still have a better record than the Raw Dogs, for the time being.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

• Matt Ryan suffered a separated shoulder and has been benched as the starter for the Colts going forward. The Colts will be going with Sam Ehlinger moving forward. Matty Ice will be spending the next few weeks icing his shoulder since literally any team can get through the pitiful Colts offensive line. It should be interesting to see if anything changes with Ehlinger at the helm. He really has Baker Mayfield vibes minus the commercial charisma.

• Breece Hall tore his ACL and will miss the rest of the Jets exciting season. It has been reported he intentionally threw his knee to protest the success of the team at the hands of Zach Wilson. We have just learned that Zach “homewrecker” Wilson may have engaged in consensual plowing with Hall’s mother prior to the season in the Jets Training Facility ice baths. More fact-checking and updates will follow.

• DK Metcalf was carted off with a knee injury, but it does not seem to be too serious. He may be able to go as soon as this week for the Seahawks. Reports have stated that it may be due to a revelation in the name of DK that he has avoided a serious injury. We have just learned that DK stands for “Dark Kirk.” Some people in the Seattle organization have speculated that this indicates his connection to the dark medicinal magic of the prolific QB Kirk Cousins.

• Allen Lazard suffered a shoulder injury and did not return to the Green Bay Packers loss. Aaron Rodgers has suggested the other receivers shave their heads Peaky-Blinders style to improve their balance and aerodynamics to avoid any further injuries.

• Ryan Tannehil hurt his ankle and left the game early for the Titans on Sunday. He seems most-likely to be able to play, but he may be limited with the ankle injury. His job this Sunday may be to simply turn his body and present himself and the football to the King.

OVerwatch - A waiver Report from Josh West

Connor's Meme of the week