LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Matt Rhule gets kicked to the curb after the Panthers continue their atrocious beginning to the 2022 season, led by Faker Mayfield, whose redemption story has been about as exciting as watching Midsommar on a Saturday night that you could be doing literally anything else. Week 5 was kicked off by the Colts vs Broncos, which was probably the worst game I have literally ever seen. Russell Wilson wisely cooked up a fake injury to dodge any repercussions from the Thursday Night snoozefest. The Giants took out the Packers and are now probably the worst 4-1 team of all time, but somehow Danny Dimes continues to not screw things up enough for them to lose. Davante Adams had a brief gamer moment when he shoved a random stadium worker to the ground after a heartbreaking loss Monday Night, but quickly remedied the situation with his apology where he stated "I'm sorry you walked right in front of me, idiot", Adams also later commented "did you see what he was wearing, he was basically asking for it". Kenny Pickett's debut goes poorly against the Bills, who jumped out to a commanding lead while all the Steelers' rookies were playing with Tonka trucks on the sidelines. In sadder news, Blake Bortles, AKA the BOAT (or Bortles of all time), has announced his retirement from football. Somewhere, Jason Mendoza is besides himself.

Game Results

Chafey's Buff Boys 148.26 - 60.64 Myers Man's Men

It was a rough week for the Myers Men, who looked more like little boys out there this week. Just about nothing went right for the Myers' faithful, with Tee Higgins dropping a fat USDA Grade AA free range egg, and the rest of his team attempting the score more than 7 points challenge (Impossible!). Carters 60.64 point final score is not only the lowest score of the week, but its actually the lowest score in the history of the Kolkata Fantasy League. This is not what Carter imagined while mock drafting in the Taco Mac bathroom back in July. On the other sideline, Chafey committed what may be the most reprehensible act in all of Fantasy Football, which is starting Taysom Hill. Hill has been a controversial figure in Fantasy due to his TE designation, a position that he almost never plays, but is also tough to assign due to the gadget role he fills for the Saints. A ballsy move for the Buff Boys, but it pays off big time this week, a week in which he racked up an exorbitant amount of points, more points than Kyle Pitts will score the entire season. Chafey could have just started Mahomes and Taysom and won the week, so there's not really too much to dig into on his roster. Carter will look to pick up the pieces quickly as he heads to the West next week in a battle against the Melonheads.

Bo0yas ornery melonheads 116.5 - 165.5 Staten island Jokers

The Staten Island Jokers are really starting to become a force to be reckoned with. They are the favorite to win the league, both by Snickers and by anyone with half a brain. The Jokers have the most points for on the season by a considerable margin, and have been given a lofty 84% Playoff chance by our nougat statisticians. This week, Kelce capped off Josh West's victory with a comical 25 yard, 4 TD performance, after the win was already sealed thanks to the trio of Chubb, Ekeler, Hurts. Josh's dedication has gone beyond the field, as he actually uprooted his life in tropical Hawaii to be closer with the team and compliment their tummies in person. Bo0ya's fellas, meanwhile, suffered some serious regression from the Tight End position. Hockenson is just one week removed from an insane 36 point showing, but the Lions offense was stymied completely on Sunday, and that same massive throbbing Hock was flaccid and unimpressive this week. Despite the loss, the Melonheads still hold the top spot in the packed West, and have yet to lose Snickers' favor.

Boob plowers 98.76 - 103.24 Team Pup n suds

This matchup was all about the high (fantasy) scoring Monday Night affair, with both teams just about neck and neck coming into Primetime. Davante Adams and Josh Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt both went back and forth trading scores for the Raiders offense, but unfortunately for the Plowers, Barren Waller hurt his hamstring early in the game, which meant yet another goose egg in the Tight End position, which has been a fickle mistress for Fantasy owners this year. The loss brings the Boob Plowers to 2-3 on the season, and it's tough to see an upside to losing, but with all three losses coming by less than 5 points, at least the BP's have a competitive squad, which should continue to take teams to the brink. Conversely, the Pup N Suds are on a four game tear. After losing in Week 1, the Suds have come storming back to join the Jokers at the top of the league. Connor is playing with a massive chip on his shoulder. After the draft, the Snickers final standing projection had the Pup N Suds all the way back in last place. Following that, in week 1, the Pups suffered a brutal loss to the Staten Island Jokers. Practices were tense that week. At one point in a scrimmage, sources said, Derrick Henry turned to GM Connor Merry and screamed, "You (bleeping) need me. You can't win without me." Henry left teammates and coaches largely speechless. He dominated the field in every way. King Henry's back. As a brief side note, Connor may want to steer clear of Dolphins QB's. It appears that he has some sort of Voodoo effect that causes them to get injured, similar to the dolls on Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998).

Motor City Raw Dogs 70.64 - 126.8 Team mingusbluesboys

According to Newton's Third Law, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (Carson, check my work on this one please). While the Pup N Suds lost Week 1 and have won out since then, the Raw Dogs have the misfortune of being that aforementioned opposite reaction. The Raw Dogs looked formidable at the beginning of the season, a little too formidable for Jared's liking, so he opted to trade away all his good players. The week, Jared had five players (including QB2) score less than 5 points, which is not a recipe for success. He still managed to outscore the Myers Man's Men, but that's setting the bar pretty low. The Raw Dogs will have to await D'Andre Swift's return, and get a little better luck with starting lineups to see if they can get back on track and return to form. The MingusBluesBoys are a redemption story in their own right. After starting out 0-3 with the lowest points scored by a long shot, the Blues Boys have had a resurgence with back to back wins. Carson can thank DK Metcalf, who remembered that he is quite literally a freak of nature, and Dalvin Cook, who has started to pick things back up and return to the pedigree we expect from the Vikings Running Back. Carson has still yet to lose since he adopted the Farthing surname, we will keep an eye on the situation to see if the leagues newest sex-haver (We assume he fulfilled his Christly duties and remained un-busted until marriage) just needed a Mare by his side to find Fantasy success.

boofs big beefy boys 133.6 - 135.08 jtopia football club

Last but not least, the Football Club and the Beefy Boys gave us the game of the week in an electric high-scoring matchup that kept us all on the edge of our unblemished, non-stinky, immaculate seats. The week started on an uneasy note for Jtopia's Football Club, when Gabe Davis kicked off the Sunday slate with a 90+ yard TD bomb, while riding the pine on the JFC bench, that uneasiness was only supplemented by Davis scoring another touchdown before halftime, which developed into Jay weighing the possibility of ending his life, or even worse, the league itself. However in that same game, Josh Allen had a positively herculean performance, without even hardly playing in the second half, and Breece Hall continued his impressive rookie campaign with almost 200 total yards. The Beefy Boys were not going into the night quietly, however, and Kamara was able to have a respectable game even with Taysom Hill stealing literally every single touchdown, and Jefferson looked like an airplane out there allowing Boof to capitalize on his Vikings stack. In the end, Jordan's team had to hope for a miracle from Mark Andrews, and they almost got one, but Andrews fell just short and our commissioner lives to see another day.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

Carson has informed me that when attempting to draft this week's DOMS report, every key on his keyboard would only type "Arc Warden" thus rendering him unable to deliver a finished product. We apologize for the inconvenience and expect this technical issue to be remedied by next week.

Just kidding here it is:

• The Cardinals lost both James Connor and Darrell Williams in their loss to the eagles. However, the coaching at Arizona is top notch. Kliff Kingsbury and Kyler are really cooking now. Who needs running backs to mismanage both time and play calling? I’ve also been informed that Kyler has a fully maxed out Overwatch 2 battle pass where he exclusively plays as Cassidy and insists the rest of the Cardinals organization refer to his as “high noon.” HIs reflexes should be sharper than ever.

• Baker Mayfield should miss some time with an apparent ankle injury. Panthers medical staff reported that they intend to use some of the extra skin from Robby Anderson’s dinosaur neck to repair any ligament damage sustained.

• Tee Higgins left the game in the Bengals loss to the Ravens. He has been struggling with an ankle injury and cannot seem to get healthy this season. Bo Jurrow and company look to right the ship and not having this option limits their offense. It’s been reported that Bo Jurrow did not like Higgins first name (due to his obsession with fashion) and purposely injured him. He is pushing for his name to be changed to Ascot or Peacoat Higgins by October.

• Teddy Bridgewater suffered a concussion and had to leave the Dolphins' loss. Reports show that the Dolphins have actually rescheduled his practice sessions this week to only include full contact hit drills with exclusively the defensive tackles. This should loosen his back.

• Rashad Penny suffered a serious injury and looks to miss time going forward for the Seahawks. Not to worry though, as the Seahawks have a secret weapon. They traveled to a distant land where the origins of Melvin Gordon III began. There, deep within a crevice, they stumbled upon a small child wailing. The baby grew to full size within the span of a week and had calves larger than the Rocky mountains. After DNA testing, suspicions were confirmed. This is a distant cousin of the great and powerful MGIII. In his great shock, awe, and terror Pete Caroll has been quoted saying “ We never should have come there, what power have we unlocked. This Kenneth Walker III has surpassed his blood relative and this could end football as we know it. I can’t see around his thighs and he only knows two phrases. Touchdown Seattle. I’d like 6 five layer burritos and a liter of Mountain Dew Code Red.

• Damien Harris will miss time due to a hamstring injury. Rhamondre Stephenson should be getting most of the snaps in New England. His numbers speak for themselves, so most New England fans aren’t worried. However, there may be a quarterback battle on the horizon and my money's on the quarterback that sounds like a Pokemon.

OVerwatch - A waiver Report from Josh West

Connor's Meme of the week