LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in NFL/History: Massive weekend in CFB, OU storms back in the Red River Shootout, The Hogs fall in a heartbreaker to Ole Miss, and Bama is shocked by the Aggies! TI 10 started this week, EG looking rough in group stage but eek out a victory in their lower bracket BO1 vs. Elephant. Maybe and FY God are sent home, but the boys bleed blue another day. I didn't watch much NFL this week so idk what happened.

Game Results

Boof's Big Beefy Boys 170.84 - 154.18 MingusBluesBoys

It's beginning to get a little bit sad folks. Mingus and his Blues Boys have once again faced the highest scorer this week, and this time it hurts that much more, since Carson would have laid waste to literally any other team in the league this week. As if that wasn't painful enough, Carson's team scored not only the second highest total this week, but the second highest total ALL SEASON. That's right, if Mingus had faced off against any other team in any other week, he would have crushed all of them. But he didn't, he got Boofsauce on a bad day and Buford looked down, snapped his suspenders, and just went absolutely monster berzerk on Carson's team. The ephoria of victory, the agony of defeat. That's why we play the game. Unfortunately for Carson, the former has been fleeting, and the latter, all too familiar. This week's shellacking is courtesy of an all-around stellar team performance from the Beefhouse of Boof. Outside of the defense, every single player scored in double digits, and all but one player exceeded their projection. Carson's Boys didn't go down without a fight though, with Josh Allen and Derrick Henry both dropping 30 bombs while going down with the ship. Honestly it was a great week for the Blues Boys, but at some point, the moral victories need to be replaced with numbers in the W column.

Boob Plowers 152.96 - 94.36 Jtopia Football Club

There's disrespectful, and then there's using the handcuff for your opponents injured RB1 to make them bite the pillow. The Plowers did just that in a total rout of the Football Club, and Luke's squad continues to moonwalk into a perfect record heading into week 6. We are all honestly just getting a little tired of seeing him succeed. Jay was this week's boobs, and most of his team just forgot to get off the bus this week. Pervy Herby went nuclear, but that almost accounted for half of his entire team's points, and everyone else was just standing around doing the lost Travolta gif. Please someone beat this stupid team.

Staten Island Jokers 132.56 - 91.72 Team Pup N Suds

Sal Vulcano and the squad were not joking around this week, and despite a Saquon nothingburger, the boys from Staten Island make light work of the Pups in this matchup. Tom Brady held up a middle finger to Connor with one hand, while he threw 2TD's to A.B. (on Connor's Bench) with the other. Father time continues to hang dong on the league while Mike Williams continues his breakout season in a shootout vs. Cleveland. In a dark room somewhere, tears drip onto Connor's phone as he uses Mematic to hide the pain. In a dark room somewhere else, Josh continues to have curious dreams, this time not as Vincenzo's lover, but as Tom Brady's son, being relentlessly smooched on the lips.

Tim Teboner!! 124.66 - 131.86 Team Guy Myers

Despite a paltry showing from the Cult Leader and GEQBUS, Carter and the boys made enough happen to secure a win this week. Both teams suffered losses this, however, as Clyde Edwards-Despair lived up to his name for the Teboners, and probably lost him the game. On the other side, Guy Myers will need answers at QB, since Russell Wilson decided to die on the field. Pitts chose a great time to do anything, and helped propel Carter to victory in a game that could have gone either way. Tim Teboner falls to 1-4, joining the rest of us undesirables. We will be keeping an eye on Sam Darnold's performance in the coming weeks. Could cracks in the armor force Guy Myers to leave the Church of Darnold?

MC Raw Dogs 136.02 - 134.78 Chafey's Buff Boys

In a shocking display of sportsmanship, Chafey's Buff Boys intentionally lost this game, out of pity for Jared's personal life. It was clear from the start that Chafey was in absolute control of this one, and the outcome was never in doubt. We all could stand to learn a little bit from this act of kindness. Let us not forget that while Fantasy Football is fun, it is in fact a game, and there are people out there with real life struggles and anxieties. Does the starving child or the homeless man feel joy when their local team scores a touchdown? This selfless act is really a harrowing lesson for all of us. What an incredible man and friend. Thank you, Chafey.

The DOMS Report - A Mingus Production

“Long Live the King” (Mike Vrabel and the Titans Taking a Golden Shower in the Wake of Mr. Henry) Here’s week 6’s piss babies.

• Seattle Seahawks defensive end Darrell Daylor was carted off the field with a neck injury. He was transported to the hospital, and it seems that the results of the checks were positive. He traveled home with the Seahawks and seems to be ok. However we have learned that he will convert into a decepticon to take over for Russell Wilson while he recovers from his finger injury by drinking 6 cans of V8 each day.

• Kareem Hunt sustained a calf injury and did not return to the Cleveland roster. He was seen practicing his “dance” moves to a certain Micheal Jackson song near the opposing team’s cheerleaders. Stefanski has been quoted saying “That shit was hot, not the violent part, the dancing part.”

• Latavius Murry left the Ravens game with an apparent leg injury. Looks like the Ravens have been bit by the injury bug once more. At least their running backs aren’t kicking the shit out of women any more, am I right?

• The Colts lost two receivers in T.Y. Hilton and Parris Campbell. It should be interesting to see how extensive their injuries are. It’s been rumored that Carson Wentz is currently being held together by a combination of gorilla glue, rubber bands, and industrial grade aspirin. Maybe these developments can be used to supplement the recovery of their receiving core.

• AJ Brown, the Titans star receiver, was potentially going to be added to the injury list with an undisclosed illness. He suited up and seemed just fine in the Monday night matchup with the Bills. This is a promising prospect for the Titans, getting back both Julio Jones and AJ Brown moving forward with their season. Since they are both healthy once more, they can return to their previous important roles keeping King Henry’s Dick and Balls warm and lubricated so he can swing those mammoth thighs into pitiful cornerback bodies.

Waiver Warden - Josh West's GM Moves of the week

1st Prio Carter picked up ex-Chief Damien Williams for a plug and play 15.4 points and a close 6-point

victory of the morbidly depressed, no longer God-fearing Reno. Excellent use of 1 st priority in the waiver

order, Carter is 4-1 and has finally learned what the waiver order is after last year with minimal usage.

2nd up, we have Boof dropping Teddy and picking up the FREAK athlete Trevor Lawrence. He may be

descended from Vikings or tyrannosauruses, but this #1 overall rookie put up a respectable 22 points in

week 5. Boof really needs some more depth at quarterback – could the Florida Freak perform well

enough to earn a start week 6 in a very tough matchup vs the Jokers?

3rd on our list we have Jaytopia adding Samaje Perine – the RB from Cinci. Jay must have had the inside

scoop because after averaging 1.5 points per week, Perine put up 16 points – on Jay’s bench – on his

way to getting his boobs ultimately plowed. Perine has since been placed on the COVID list after a

positive test.

4th we have the typical D/ST tinkering Luke likes to perform on the weekly. Dropping the Bengals and

adding the Raiders, who added 4 points to the boob plowing of Jay.

5th, an interesting caveat in the Chief’s offense, Josh Gordon was picked up by Chafey. Despite his history

of substance abuse and gang violence, the Chiefs could really use an injection of violence as it’s been a

while since Tyreek broke a kid’s arm, Frank Clark sported an Uzi in a Lambo, or Kareem Hunt drop kicked

a white girl. Gordon has 1 target/reception for 16 yards, but a few plays later had an illegal screen called

and was demoted to sell cocaine on the sideline to his fellow players. Zanna also picked up the Falcons

D/ST who added 6 points to his close faught battle against Motor City. The Falcons came to play in

London town however.

Connor's Meme of the week