LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: The Kolkata Fantasy landscape is beginning to really take shape, and with only 4 more games left in the regular season, our boys are fighting for their lives to get a taste of the playoffs. In the games this week, we saw New England win on an unfathomable last second Punt Return TD, in a game that Zach Wilson said was "not my fault". The heart attack Falcons shut down the Bears to stay in the NFC South hunt, the Cowboys absolutely dismantled the Vikings, and the Texans continued to tank for Wembanyama. The US tied with the Welsh in their first game of the World Cup, in a show of solidarity toward their satellite campus in Wrexham.

Game Results

Staten Island Jokers 173.3 - 85.88 Chafey's Buff Boys

Welp, even without Joe Gatto, the Jokers show no signs of slowing down, and they absolutely wiped the floor with Chafey in this one, doubling up on their score, and then some. Josh's 173 points is the 2nd most points scored in a matchup this season, only barely falling short of the 176 scored in week 4 by none other than the Melonheads (who have since faded off into bolivian). The Jokers have made an honorable decision to remove their Team Logo from the ESPN team page, presumably in opposition to FIFA and Qatar, amidst the human rights violations that went into building the stadiums for the World Cup. It's an empty gesture, however, when Josh essentially made Chafey get on all fours this week and put him in the dog house with Ximo to lay in each others excrement. All of Josh's players scored over 16 points, sans Nick Chubb and the Niners defense, it was just an absolute drubbing in every sense of the word. Meanwhile Chafey looked on in horror as only 1 player scored over 16 points, and Jamaal Williams ran in 19TD's while on the plane to the Mingus Blues Boys.

Jtopia Football Club 100.6 - 120.24 Team Pup N Suds

While being interviewed pregame on the sideline, Kadarius "Yung Jokah" Toney was asked how he remains resilient despite the turbulent beginning to his NFL career. The Sophomore wideout paused, as an eerie smile crept on to his face, and responded with his favorite Dark Knight quote, "I believe, whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you... stranger". Toney would proceed to pull his Hamstring the moment he stepped on the field. The goose egg from the porcelain KC receiver hurt Jay's team in the long run, but the game may have been out of reach even if he had gone with another option. The Pup N Suds tried their best to lose this one by starting two players from the Carolina Panthers, but King Henry and Danny Dimes had other plans, and with the help of the Patriots defense scoring a last second TD, the Suds remain tied for the top spot in the league with the Impractical Jokers.

Myers Man's Men 124.84 - 131.24 Boob plowers

The Myers Men have resorted to nefarious tactics, coming into this game on a 3 game losing streak and desperate for a win, Carter lubed up a couple game balls with some of his famous Chicken Bake leftover slop. This strategy backfired, as the Myers men were fumbling the ball left and right. The matchup appeared out of reach until Monday Night. Jimmy G heard who Carter was playing this week, and became enraged that someone else out there was attempting to claim his title as the original Boob Plower. He and George Kittle acquired some Monstars energy from all the mamacitas in attendance in Mexico city, and brought back the Myers Men from the grave, however it wasn't quite enough to secure the win. Davante Adams and Amari Cooper were the top dogs for the Plowers, and managed to make up for the decidedly flaccid performances from Jared Goff and Dalton Schultz. This win puts the Boob Plowers right back in the hunt for the playoffs as we head into Championship December.

Motor City Raw Dogs 85.76 - 109.1 Boof's big beefy boys

Tony Pollard absolutely put the team on his back for the Raw Dogs. Tony alone scored as many points as the rest of the Raw Dogs roster excluding Mariota. Tony score a lot of points. Be more like Tony. Just about everyone else on the Raw Dogs was absolutely putrid. Dameon Pierce is the only one with an excuse, Next Gen Stats reported that Pierce briefly came into contact with the Earth's Mantle when he was suplexed on the turf by Commanders DL John Ridgeway. It comes at an unfortunate time for the Raw Dogs, considering Boof didn't have his best week, and certainly seemed mortal in this matchup. Aside from Mahomes, there wasn't a standout for the Beefy Boys this week, but everyone did just enough to keep Josh out of the L column, and he is sitting pretty for the playoffs if the trend continues.

MingusBluesBoys 66.16 - 124.78 Bo0ya's ornery melonheads

We came so close, after the early games, it was really starting to look like Carson had a chance at taking Carter's record for fewest points in a game. Justin Herbert did enough against the Chiefs to squash that, and CEH got 0.9 more points than anyone expected, which was enough for Carson to avoid the badge of dishonor, but nowhere near enough for him to dodge a loss to the Orneryheads. The Melonheads had a strong outing from their young WR corps, and a decent outing from their ancient QB corps. Stephen does continue to be hampered by his commitments from when he signed the Treaty of Pikes Peak, in which he agreed to always start at least two Broncos. The Defense was the weak point this time, but Stephen has planned accordingly by picking up Latavius Murray, whom the Broncos are hopeful does not have hands made of banana peels.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

• Justin Fields suffered a shoulder injury during the tough loss to the Falcons. He basically played with one arm for part of the game. We should know more on his injury and if it is serious in the coming days. He tweeted that he is feeling well and was sure to add five frog emojis to his post. This seems like a good sign going forward.

• Joe Mixon suffered a concussion Sunday and will be in concussion protocol. Samaje Perine stepped up and filled the role effectively. Both Bengal backs are from Oklahoma, so this should lead to some poor performance in important games down the road. Maybe they should go pick up a back from a program that isn’t crumbling because their coach named after a guy on a coin left for the west coast to get away from the dust bowl.

• Kadarius Toney, shockingly, suffered a hamstring injury and did not return to the Sunday night matchup. It was reported that a light breeze roughly 2 mph fully severed the hamstring and several other ligaments. It did provide him with a snack though since it was reported that his hamstring is made of nerds rope.

• Mike Williams seems to have injured himself again, further complicating things for the Chargers. The Chargers WR core just can’t stay healthy and the guys in there seem to have forgotten you are supposed to catch the ball. Most likely the Chargers will continue to deploy the feed Eckler strategy since they cannot rely on the scrubs at WR including Theodore Brice, the 8th round pick out of Duke in 2017 who has dubious connections to the Lacrosse team.

• Michael Carter left the Jets loss with a chest injury. They are already without Breece Hall, and their starting QB was benched this week. Zach Wilson was reported to have sexually taken his second mother (Mrs. Saleh.) No question this factored into his decision. Mike White will hopefully return to week 8 2021 legendary status.

Connor's Meme of the week