Mid Season Keepers Rundown - By Stephen Booya Hoffman

This is a way-too-early look-back on each of our keepers and how they have performed related to players picked in the same round.

Before we get started, let’s define a couple key terms.

Average Ranking in Round (ARR): This is the average positional ranking of picks in the round the keeper was kept in. (So add up all positional rankings of each pick in a round and divide by 10)

Ranking Above w Replacement (RAwR): This is the number of positional rankings higher that the keeper is than the ARR.  The w is silent. 

This ranking system is in no way mathematically, scientifically, or ethically sound.  In fact, I can find more flaws in this ranking than I can with the NFL’s concussion protocol.  Some may ask then, “What’s the point?”  The point is another opportunity to shit on Luke.

Let the poopooing commence!

1. Team MingusBluesBoys - Tyreek Hill - 3rd Round - WR 1

ARR: 31.2

RAwR: 30.2

bo0ya’s Grade: S+++

Why are Tyreek fantasy owners so cringe - Oops… meant to type that into Google. While Carson is probably thinking things along the lines of “Why do the Dolphins have to pass to anyone other than Tyreek?” and “I can’t believe Cheetah hasn’t scored 40 points in a week yet”, the rest of us are left wondering how it is possible Mingus has completely dummied us this year.  It should come as no surprise that the team demolishing the league also has the most valuable keeper.  Despite it taking a whole 7 weeks for Mahomes to score over 20 points, Carson has drafted a great team and it may take an act of God to slow him down.

2. Staten Island Jokers - Jalen Hurts - 3rd Round - QB 2

ARR: 31.2

RAwR: 29.2

bo0ya’s Grade: Green 2001 Honda CR-V

Josh tried to trade me Jalen Hurts for every player on my roster, $200 faab, 12 2024 1st-round picks, and a Green 2001 Honda CR-V.  He said he looked it up on www.KelceBlueBook.com and it said the trade was fair and balanced.  I smashed decline faster than Jamaal Williams Naruto sprinting. Jalen Hurts is good and all, but have you seen a Green 2001 Honda CR-V recently? In other news, Impractical Jokers may be finished with no official news on a Season 11 renewal.  Which is funny, because Josh is currently searching every nook and cranny for Sal. Being 2-5 while having QBs 1&2 has to be a prank.

3. Hard Knockers - Trevor Lawrence - 7th Round - QB 10

ARR: 31.5

RAwR: 19.5

bo0ya’s Grade: Paper from Rock-Paper-Scissors

I started to write something about Trevor Lawrence being good but not great, but I have decided against it. I don’t have the follower count to handle the heat he’d give me on the platform formerly known as Twitter. So, all I will say about the Jag’s third year QB is that he has nice hair and would probably beat me at rock-paper-scissors. Jared is certainly hoping TLaw continues to improve as the season goes on.  For the Knard Hockers’ playoff hopes, it’s now or Trevor.

4. Myers Man's Men - A.J. Brown - 6th Round - WR 6

ARR: 22.2

RAwR: 19.2

bo0ya’s Grade: Legendary Eagle Master

“Falcons and Eagles are two birds which are often confused as the same, but however, when compared, eagles are larger and stronger. Their wing structures are also distinct. Falcon wings are long and sharply pointed, whereas eagle wings are broad and rounded.” (https://www.vedantu.com/evs/difference-between-falcon-and-eagle).  

Our research is showing that Carter may have lucked into a good keeper by getting his birds of prey mixed up.  It’s okay Carter, rookie mistake. You can keep Bijan next year.

5. Jtopia Football Club - Justin Fields - 7th Round - QB 11

ARR: 31.5

RAwR: 18.5

bo0ya’s Grade: B-

Justin Fields bears the brunt of the Bears backer’s bemoaning. But baby beware, when he’s back from being banged up he could boom. Fields is slated to miss at least the next couple of weeks, but thankfully isn’t expected to hit the IR.  Jay is currently sitting at 4-3, right in the middle of a battle for playoffs.  Hopefully for his sake, Fields is able to return harder, better, faster, stronger, and with wheels for legs like he wanted in that NFL scripted campaign. For now, we can only hope his ire for the coaching staff doesn’t extend to his fantasy managers.  If it does, I’m sorry Jay. 

6. Team Pup N Suds - Amon Ra St. Brown - 6th Round - WR 13

ARR: 22.2

RAwR: 12.2

bo0ya’s Grade: The Prince of Egypt’s “Playing with the Big Boys”

Amon Ra scored the first touchdown of the season, and has kept up a good pace scoring double digits every week he has been healthy this year.  Now that he is back from injury, the Pups are hoping the Sun God can deliver them from the unfortunate points against total that have plagued the team.  I’d recommend skipping that boring wandering in the desert for 40 years part and get straight to the Land of Milk and Honey.  Or as Connor likes to call it, “winning the consolation bracket.”

In breaking news, my keeper has been arrested for reckless operation of a motor vehicle. Olave is a real Lightning McQueen.  Which makes Derek Carr - Chick Hicks, Jameis Winston - Mater, and Drew Brees - Doc Hudson. Somewhere out there is a Sally that can lure Olave back onto the straight and narrow by way of sex and a tramp stamp.  At least, I think that was the plot of the movie.  Maybe it was listening to “Life is a Highway” by Rascal Flatts that actually did it for McQueen. Either way, once Kerchow finishes repaving Route 66 I hope he can win me the Piston Cup. For now, I will go on living my life by the same mantra I have for the last 27 years: “At least I’m not Luke.”

9. Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks - Devonta Smith - 7th Round - WR 34

ARR: 31.5

RAwR: -0.5

bo0ya’s Grade: Russel Wilson

Speaking of Luke - Dread it, run from it, our first negative ranking arrives all the same.  Luke’s team has taken a bath this year and the Rubber Ducky’s Unlucky Fucky Wuckys are looking like they’ll sink instead of float. Despite a promising start, Smith has been nothing short of mediocre the past several weeks which has contributed heavily to the Duck’s demise. With the addition of Julio Jones, will Smith see more open coverage?  Or will he see even less targets?  Or will Luke decide it’s time to pull the plug on starting Smith.  Only God knows. Still, one can’t help but think this could have all been avoided by not drafting Russel Wilson.

10.   Chafey's Tender Fellas - DeAndre Hopkins - 7th Round - WR 44

ARR: 31.5

RAwR: -16.5

bo0ya’s Grade:  Drunk on a Wednesday

The good news for Chafey is he is still in the playoff hunt despite his rough keeper pick.  The bad news is Tannehill is injured, and any hope of Hopkins turning his season around may be out with him. I attempted to reach out to Zach for comment, but the only response I got from him was, “Keeper? I hardly know her.”  What else can you expect from someone 4 long islands deep on a wednesday? 

In Summary:

Overall standing doesn’t seem to be highly impacted by keeper success. Carson and Luke are the obvious outliers here. Carson’s dominance is helped greatly by Tyreek, but Luke’s misfortune seems to stem from a string of injuries and just rotten luck (and the Russel Wilson Curse).  Seriously, stop drafting Russel Wilson. I don’t care that he is currently QB 8 and looks good. Stop it. That is the only logical takeaway from this entire rundown.

Author’s note: Don’t let this rundown distract you from the fact that FaZe Clan choked a 15-11 lead in the CS:GO Boston Major Final on the final map, Inferno, giving C9 and NA their first Major.

A note from Chafey S Pumpkins: I had to copy over stuff that may have ruined the formatting a little bit (most notably for our good friend Mr. McQueen). If you want to view Stephens post in all its intended glory, the original Google Doc link is here: Lightning McQueen Feet Pics