LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: The Bengals, led by bonafide nerd and honorary resident of the best state NA Jake Browning, pulled off a shocking upset against the AFC South leading Jaguars on Monday Night in Overtime. Jordan Love and the Packers might just be the real deal after thumping the Chiefs. The NFC Championship rematch between the Eagles and 49ers did not live up to the hype, as Brock Purdy Mister Irrelevanted all over the Dirty Birds and pissed off some guy named Big Dom, which is very on brand for Philly. Notable Coolhead and non-violent person Von Miller may be done playing football after being arrested this week. Miller claims he was just practicing his bull rush and rip moves on his pregnant girlfriend, but she claims he was actually just beating the shit out of her. 

Game Results

Boof's Big Beefy Boys 124.46 - 122.76 Team MingusBluesBoys

First of all, we have to give props to Mingus owner Carson Warren, who completed the Memphis Marathon this weekend after months of training. Carson has already purchased and placed "26.2" stickers on his car, laptop, fridge, coffee table, dog, and horses. Honestly though, a very impressive accomplishment, and it actually inspired me to walk around the block yesterday, where I pulled hammy and am now bed-ridden for a week. More importantly, this matchup was the closest of the week, and came all the way down to Overtime on Monday Night. Carson got a bonkers start to the week with Geno Smith popping off in a shootout with Dallas on Thursday Night, paired with the typical explosion from Tyreek Hill, things were looking pretty cherry for the Blues Boys (Let the record show that Carson has still failed to comment on what the hell a "Blues Boy" is). Boof's team, conversely, looked like crap, with both QB's leaving skid marks only rivaled in size by the Browns D/ST. Going into MNF, Boof needed a cool 51 points from Joe Mixon and Ja'Marr Chase to take the lead. With a backup QB against the AFC powerhouse Jags, this seemed like too tall an order. Well the funniest thing happened when Mixon and Chase combined for 52.8 points with the help of a little OT, and the Bengals and the Beefy Boys both enjoyed their upsets of celestial proportions. 

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 111.82 - 175.14 Hard knockers 

The Hard Knockers continue their fever dream season, and have rubber banded into playoff contention. The Knockers are the hottest team in Kolkata right now, and have had the highest or second highest score in each of the last 3 weeks, including this weeks 175 point explosion. The crazier part behind Jared's massive score this week is how it was spread around their entire team. Nobody scored more than 25 points, but everyone on the team feasted, with EVERY SINGLE player (including Defense) scoring at least 1 Touchdown. As Vin Diesel says as Dom Torretto in Fast and Furious, "Ape together strong" and the Knockers were evidence of that this week. Luke had the misfortune of winning last week when I was on the injury report (DNP - Didn't feel like it) and didn't do the report, so there is no record of that happening in our database. This week he returned to form, and despite Deebo Samuel going ape mode against the Eagles, ape alone is not as strong as ape together, and no one else on the Lucky Ducks could back up Deebo's monster outing. Ekeler, Njoku, Singletary, and Ridley all went incognito mode this week, and were nowhere to be seen. 

Team Pup N Suds 112.28 - 142.62 Jtopia Football Club

It was a great night on Thursday watching the Cowboys and Seahawks duke it out while chatting with the gang in Egregious Philbin. Spirits were high as we all enjoyed an actually great game for once. The mood was only soured when Connor started to make suicide jokes each time Dak Prescott or DK Metcalf scored a touchdown. Since there was 6 such instances, the 'jokes' became progressively more concerning and at the end of the night, we all had to talk Connor out of making his Mike's Hard and Bleach cocktail so he could meet Sugar at the Pearly Gates. With Davante Adams and Stefon Diggs on Bye, it seemed like too tall a task for the Pups to match up with Jay's firepower, and that proved to be the case. The Football Club widened the gap with a massive game from Nico Collins, and removed all doubt with a solid ETN performance on Monday Night. A season filled with despair continues for the Pup N Suds, as they are now officially eliminated from playoff contention. 

Myers Man's Men 103.44 - 111.96 Chafey's Tender Fellas

Former friends and roommates Carter and Zanna squared off this week with everything on the line. The whole season boiled down to this matchup. It was an absolute playoff atmosphere in Kolkata. The loser of this matchup would be eliminated from playoff contention. Neither of these teams are going to make the playoffs even if they win this week so it doesn't really matter anyways. Carter had a table full of wet wipes so he could wipe the Parm Garl off his fingers and trash talk constantly from the comfort of his reserved booth at Taco Mac, trying to find a way to feel something, ANYTHING while the Falcons are on 72 different TV's and down 0-2 to the Jets. Well the only thing Carter would be feeling on this fine Sunday afternoon was pain, as his team went into a do or die situation, and well, I'll just say they didn't do. Carter's sorry ass is booted from playoff contention and Chafey hits it from the back to keep his season mathematically alive. We will not be mentioning that Chafey scored basically the second lowest points on the week, since that is not relevant here.

Staten Island Jokers 123.46 - 116.66 Bo0ya's Ornery Melonheads

The Melonheads are without a doubt the luckiest team I have ever seen (but I HAVE seen of them), and I really thought we were going to see another Monday Night Miracle take place against the Jokers. This one would have been different if Tank Dell didn't break his leg, but then again, Josh had to start Bailey Zappe, which is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Jake Browning almost pulled off the miracle for the Melonheads, but it was just too much of a gap, even with the Bo0ya +17 luck roll. Joshamme used his platform in the postgame presser to thank the heavens for the victory. He later explained that he was not thanking God, but rather the extra-terrestrial beings that spoke to him in a vision he had during his 13-day fast. Josh was homeschooled.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

So many players rolled their ankles this week that you would think Jamal Crawford joined the NFL to supply some crossovers. Here are this week’s Rudy Goeberts.

1. Tank Dell- Tank broke his leg and will miss the remainder of the season. The Texans have a lot of options at skill positions, but losing Dell will definitely affect the productivity of the offense. The team will have to rely on other options such as Dalton Shultz, Noah Brown, and newly signed off the practice squad, Calvary Cheer. 

2. Derek Carr- Yes, it is finally happening. Berek Darb has been hurt severely enough to miss some action. That means it's Jameis Winston time! The NFL is rejoicing that the funniest man in football will be able to show why he was a first round draft pick and twist those meaty hips. 

“ In high school I wore No. 8, in college I wore No. 5, and five plus three is eight and five minus three is two, you know? Addition and subtraction. “ - Jameis Winston

“ I’m from the same hometown as Bo Jackson, I wish Bo Jackson would’ve snuck in the classroom and surprised me.” - Jameis Winston

3. Kenny Pickett- Pickett will miss some time with another ankle injury and the Steelers will have to rely on a few generally bad options. They will either go with the teddy bear himself, Mitch Trubisky or a guy whose name sounds like a spoiled rich kid who went to an expensive preschool where he was taught on an iPad, Trace McSorley.

4. Trevor Lawrence- T. Law took a very scary hit on Monday night, but it seems to be only an ankle sprain. Several twitter accounts reported that Trevor’s knee could “explode at any point” but this was simply misinformation. T. Law has stated he will spend this week rehabbing his ankle and applying for a Revlon sponsorship. 

5. Brian Robinson Jr.- Robinson hurt his hamstring, and it is going to be interesting seeing how this affects him going forward. The Commanders have been up and down and losing their best true RB is not what they were looking for. Losing him is a real shot to the team morale. 

6. Rhamondre Stevenson- Stevenson suffered an ankle injury and should miss a few weeks. The Patriots offense is a dumpster fire, and it looks like they may have to use a high pick on a QB for the first time in the Belicheck era. However, Wild Bill will probably trade down for 5 fourth round picks that he can spend on average cornerbacks and a few white slot receivers (If the Patriots don’t pick a QB Bill should be drowned in the harbor.)

Connor's Meme of the week

Boof’s Best Bets™

Week 13

It’s been quite a ride over the past two weeks. I appreciate all the tips and bets everyone has shared. First I want to shout out everyone else in the chat, we’ve had some nice bets cashed in Glucose and I’m very proud of the work you all have accomplished. Mr. Buford will be emailing your parents with a nice message about perseverance. 

Bonus Promotion adventure- 

As you know, I was down bad until I won $200 from B0vad@ in a twitter contest. However, it was a cursed promotion. I had only 7 days to reach 10x play-through on the promotion. This means I needed to turn over $2000 in 7 days to actually keep any of the money. I had a hard time getting exact data but my “money in” for those 7 days was $742.59 and money out was $748.34 with a net activity of $-5.75. So I did my darndest but came up way short. Any open bets I had placed whether I won or lost came back as 0.00. (I thought if I had the rest of my bonus balance placed in bets that it would still work but it did not.) Sad. 

In retrospect, I went about this all wrong. I should have cheesed the system. I should have placed huge wagers on super easy bets. For example, the 49ers are up 28 on the cowboys and I bet the 49ers moneyline at -2000. So I would bet $100 and get like $2 back if I won. 

What I actually did was not very smart. I used my usual losing strategy and placed TONS of  $1, $2, $3 bets on parlays and the cursed “specials.” This did not work and I had to chase to try and catch up to meet the “quota” and it made things worse. Sadly, I ran out of time and the sportsbook won.  

Quick notes-

Overs are maybe back?? 3 primetime overs in a row! However, this Thursday night game is a doozy. Jest has already wisely invested in the under. The total started at 31.5 and I’m curious to see where it ends up. 

NBA play in tournament is very fun and I think it’s already a hit. We are in a traditional 8 team bracket this week so it’s much easier to follow and the players have bought in. I have mentioned the pacers before, but keep an eye on them to keep upsetting teams! They are like a March Madness team that got hot and they can’t stop scoring. 

NFL MVP race is wide open. I think Brock Purdy is now the betting favorite around +300 right now. If you have a lean or think this could be the year a non qb wins, now’s the time to throw some pennies on it. 

NFL losers- Beware of desperate teams that are playing for their jobs at this point in the season! Cardinals are frisky, Bears may be back? Chargers, Patriots, Giants, etc. are all terrible but it’s hard to predict when they will pop off. We are now very much at the “Any Given Sunday” stage of the season where any favorite could be upset (looking at you Jags & Chiefs.)

NCAA Football- SPiCy week! The playoffs should be excellent despite the controversy. (More on this next week) The Transfer portal is at an all time high right now, I’m very worried about what the regular bowl games will look like with so much movement. Be sure to check to see who is actually going to play before making any bets. I think the lines will move a lot between now and gametime. 

Boof’s Best Bets- It’s a mess, with the recent turn of events- I’ve lost track and haven’t made official picks. I’ve got some homework to do. 

Thank you for riding with me so far this year, may your bets stay hot!