LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in NFL/History: Congrats to Team Spirit on their Victory at TI 10! A huge underdog run on the back of Collapse delivers the Cinderellas from Mother Russia the coveted Aegis of Champions. In the NFL, the Cardinals remain perfect by (Dawg) Pounding on Cleveland, Rodgers still owns Chicago, and the flaming hot Bills get extinguished by King Henry and the hometown Titans. NBA is back and so is drama, as Ben Simmons delivered big Marshawn Lynch energy with his "I'm only here so I don't get fined" performance at 6ers practice.

Game Results

Chafey's Buff Boys 164.36 - 120.08 Boob Plowers

David vs. Goliath. Rudy. The Miracle on Ice. Pup N' Suds in the Roller Blading street Championship. Any Dota game Jared is playing in.

These are the underdog stories we were raised on. They taught us the true value of competition is found in overcoming tremendous odds, when everyone has counted you out. Coming into this week, Chafey and his Buff Boys sat at a measly 1-4, and the Boob Plowers were a terrifying 5-0, just plowing everything in sight. There are some speculations that the Plowers may have thrown the game by benching Leonard Fournette on Thursday Night, in favor of a running back nobody's heard of on a team that is offensively rarded. While the decision was undeniably in error, let there be no question on this game's validity, since it wouldn't have mattered anyways.

The Buff Boys were led by superhuman performances from CeeDeez Nutz Lamb and Cooper Kupp my Balls. Noticing a trend here? The Cahones on these lads led to them both achieving roughly 30 points, and paving the way for a Buff Boys Stomp. Boob Plowers did have some admirable QB play, with Kyler "Baby Yoda" Murray and Kirk "It's not illegal if she's your 2nd" Cousin(s) both delivering on par with what we've come to expect from this rock solid QB room. Unfortunately the rest of the team lacked that same punch to get Boob Plowers the win, and leads to him taking his first defeat of the season. For this week at least, Chafey's Bosom maintains it's abstinence and the Boob Plowers get sent home with blue balls.

Team Pup N Suds 133.22 - 144.36 Tim Teboner!!

It's been a rough few weeks for Pup N Suds since he won his season opener, and it hasn't been much better for Tim Teboner either, with some heartbreaking close losses. In this showing, both teams actually did pretty well, with the second highest match total of the week. Unfortunately, every party needs a pooper and every matchup needs a loser, and the Pup N' Suds are that loser. Despite a heroic showing from Jonathan Taylor, the Pups couln't bring it home, largely because Geno Smith thought that Lockett's hands were actually located on his feet, hence him aiming every throw precisely there. Tim Teboner finally catches a break and his opponent does not go Nuclear this week.

Staten Island Jokers 92.92 - 123.16 BOOF's Beefy Boys

"I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU!" was heard from Jest as he looked as his teams lackluster performance in Week 6. Honestly Murr, Joe, and Q could have been subbed in for Moss, Mclaurin, and Mike Will, and the outcome could have improved. The Big Beefy Boys of Boof made a great call to sub in Khalil Herbert, and the waiver pickup delivered in a big way. The Jokers drop to 3-3 but still maintain second place in the East, while Boof's Boys are starting to look like the reigning champs we expected. His ESPN account still says Jordan Lakouta though, so any wins probably shouldn't really count, and any prize money should be allocated accordingly.

MC Raw Dogs 112.94 - 135.84 Mingus Blues Boys

The Motor City Raw Dogs have been THE team to beat in the East so far this season, and consistently are putting up some solid numbers week to week. This had to raise concern for Mingus and his BluesBoys, whose season has closely resembled Carson reaching for a cup of water in the morning, sending cans and cups galore tumbling to the ground. The past is the past for Mingus, and as the matchup slowly looked like it was starting to fall out of reach, who else but King Henry III to come absolutely bulldozing his way through the previously formidable Bills Defense. Honestly, we're all kinda glad he won this time, as he was dangerously close to Jokerficaition

Jtopia Football Club 106.56 - 109.34 Guy Myers

Your heart really has to break for Jtopia at this point. In an alternative universe, they field a defense that gets literally any positive point. Just one point, and Jay wins this contest. Regardless, it was close enough to give Guy Myers a good scare, and forced him to pull his defense on Monday Night to avoid any negative points (It didn't end up making a difference since they scored 0 anyways). An unlikely stinker from Justin Herbert played a big part in this one, as the Ravens held him to Penis numbers. Sam Darnold has also been looking pedestrian the past couple weeks, Carter has to be questioning his allegiance to the GEQBUS at this point.

The DOMS Report - A Mingus Production

“Long Live the King” (Mike Vrabel and the Titans Taking a Golden Shower in the Wake of Mr. Henry) Here’s week 6’s piss babies.

• Seattle Seahawks defensive end Darrell Daylor was carted off the field with a neck injury. He was transported to the hospital, and it seems that the results of the checks were positive. He traveled home with the Seahawks and seems to be ok. However we have learned that he will convert into a decepticon to take over for Russell Wilson while he recovers from his finger injury by drinking 6 cans of V8 each day.

• Kareem Hunt sustained a calf injury and did not return to the Cleveland roster. He was seen practicing his “dance” moves to a certain Micheal Jackson song near the opposing team’s cheerleaders. Stefanski has been quoted saying “That shit was hot, not the violent part, the dancing part.”

• Latavius Murry left the Ravens game with an apparent leg injury. Looks like the Ravens have been bit by the injury bug once more. At least their running backs aren’t kicking the shit out of women any more, am I right?

• The Colts lost two receivers in T.Y. Hilton and Parris Campbell. It should be interesting to see how extensive their injuries are. It’s been rumored that Carson Wentz is currently being held together by a combination of gorilla glue, rubber bands, and industrial grade aspirin. Maybe these developments can be used to supplement the recovery of their receiving core.

• AJ Brown, the Titans star receiver, was potentially going to be added to the injury list with an undisclosed illness. He suited up and seemed just fine in the Monday night matchup with the Bills. This is a promising prospect for the Titans, getting back both Julio Jones and AJ Brown moving forward with their season. Since they are both healthy once more, they can return to their previous important roles keeping King Henry’s Dick and Balls warm and lubricated so he can swing those mammoth thighs into pitiful cornerback bodies.

Waiver Warden - Josh West's GM Moves of the week

Apparently Josh decided the Waiver Warden report is no longer worth his time as he stopped reporting this week. We can only guess what happened on the Wild West of the Waiver Wire this Week.

Connor's Meme of the week