LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Week 6 has come and gone, and we are almost halfway through the Fantasy Football regular season. Aside from Joshamme on top and Jared on bottom, everybody is gathered in the middle of the pack in the Kolkata League. The Broncos get yet another Primetime game and hold audiences hostage while they flounder about on the football field. The Giants beat the Ravens and are now 5-1??? I still refuse to believe they are good. The Bills get revenge from last years NFC Semis by taking down Kansas City in Arrowhead. In other news, Kanye West is unfortunately still in the news, this time calling for Deathcon 3 (???) on all Jewish people.

Game Results

StATEN iSLAND jOKERS 110.6 - 93.06 mOTOR cITY rAW dOGS

Our first matchup features a real David and Goliath situation between first and last place teams in the league, Jared embraces the underdog role, and his scrappy team could just have what it takes to unseat the Jokers. But in this version of the story, Goliath just takes a fat dump on the puny mortal. The Motor City Crew started out poorly by making all of us watch Carson Wentz on Thursday night, who was more pre-occupied by getting knuckle deep in that ooey gooey than he was throwing the football. The Raw Dogs did have a huge pickup this week with Deon Jackson, who filled in for an injured Jonathan Taylor and did so nicely. Ja'Marr Chase also blew up and almost had a 30 bomb this week, but outside of those two, it was crickets from the rest of the Raw Dogs offensive unit. For the Jokers, on the other hand, consistency was the name of the game. There wasn't really any gamebreaking performances or shocking totals, but everybody basically did their job, with only one offensive player scoring less than 12 points. Jared's squad falls to a disappointing 1-5, but ESPN is still giving him a 2% chance to make the playoffs.

Bo0yas ornery melonheads 105.34 - 109.68 Myers Man's Men

The Myers crew is coming off one of the worst weeks in recent history, and had a lovely rebound this week against the Ornery fellas. Joe Burrow did just about all of the heavy lifting in this one, as the Bengals returned to the offensive production we saw last year. Cooper Kupp "only" had 13 points, his lowest total of the season, which is pretty insane in it's own right, but came at an unfortunate time for Bo0ya's squad, who needed just a little extra boost. This matchup was neck and neck heading into Monday Night, but unfortunately that sole remaining player for the Melonheads was none other than Russ himself. After looking like he would easily deliver a W in the first quarter, Wilson proceeded to go 5-18 for 72 yards with 0 TD's, 0 INT's, and 1 dagger to the chest of Stephen. The Denver experiment has failed, and we are all worse people for having witnessed it. After the game, Russ took to twitter to address some of the teams offensive concerns:

Boob plowers 79.68 - 122.8 Boof's Big Beefy Boys

The Plowers came into this week knowing it would be an uphill battle, with 4 players on BYE and only one QB in the starting lineup. JK Dobbins was plugged into the lineup as reinforcements for the shorthanded Hoffman unit, and let's just say Dobby was a bad elf, and the only sock he will be getting is one filled with rocks, as Luke pounds him into next week for his horrible performance. Raheem Must-start was more of a must-sit this week, and despite the Panthers absolutely immeasurable ineptitude, Christian McCaffrey has been the one constant shining beacon of hope for the Plowers, as he continues to deliver week after week. The Beefy Boys thankfully did not need to rely on Sutton to do anything this week, since the Easter Island General himself, Trevor Lawrence, led the team along with Saquon, Kamara, and MAndrews. Kamara has seen a resurgence with the installation of Dalton as QB in New Orleans, and Mark Andrews continues to cement himself in the upper echelon of Tight Ends (really it's just him and Kelce). The win brings the Beefy Boys to 3-3, along with everybody else in the West Division (except Jared). The silver lining for the Boob Plowers is that unlike all of their other losses, this one was not even remotely close.

Team Pup N Suds 67.58 - 91.86 Team mingusbluesboys

Another week, another win for the Mingus Men, and after starting the season 0-3, Carson's squad is right back in the thick of things. He did luck out a little bit this week, however, by going against the Pup N Suds, who probably already had this matchup marked as an L on his calendar. The Pups entire bench was filled with starters that were on BYE this week, and they were forced to roll out a real Motley Crew of backups and bad football players. We also need to investigate the actual possibility that there is a real curse at hand with Connor's QB's. In the last 3 weeks, Connor has had 3 QB's leave the games due to injury, including PJ Walker who was lighting up (farts on the bench) during his season debut. Andy Dalton also was given a Questionable designation on Monday, just from the effects of playing a week on Connor's squad. The Blues Boys continue to reap the benefits of Tyreek Hill, who has demonstrated that it doesn't really matter who is throwing him the ball, whether it be Teddy Bridgewater, Skylar Thompson, or a remote controlled, TBI afflicted Tua Tagovailoa, he's still going to put numbers on the board. The rest of the squad performed lukewarm at best, but good enough to secure the win against the depleted Pup N Suds.

Chafey's Buff Boys 98.8 - 110.48 jtopia football club

The Buff Boys and the JFC both had pretty mediocre weeks, but it was looking like Chafey's squad had the win within reach, until a last minute touchdown from Josh Allen to Dawson Knox. That single play generated 12 Points for the Football Club, and the Buff Boys ended up losing by almost exactly that amount. Jay has a juicy triple stack of Bills players, which is not a bad team to be invested in, and they showed up big time this week. Another standout for the Commissioners Club is Breece Hall, who has not taken long to settle into his starting role, and the rookie RB has quickly established himself as a set-and-forget RB1. For Chafey's team, Rhamondre showed out in the absence of Damien Harris, but Jacoby Brissett looked more like Lincoln Riley's brisket in a blowout loss to the Patriots. The JFC win equalizes both teams at 3-3, along with about about 70% of the league, in what is shaping up to be one of the most competitive seasons of Fantasy yet.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

• Marquise Brown suffered a foot injury and should miss the next 6 games of the Cardinals season. Kyler Murray has sent him his complete login information to make sure that he reaches prestige 4 in Modern Warfare 2 prior to the start of November. With all the free time he will have, this should not be an issue for Brown. If you run into a user by the name of yogurtcupyoda online look out, it may be a Marquise Brown stand-in trying to earn more future targets later in the season.

• Carson Wentz should be out 4-6 weeks after suffering a finger injury in the Commanders resounding victory over the Bears. Reports show that he may have injured the finger while trying to jam his cleats over his engorged and enormous cankles. The Commanders are turning to Taylor Heineke to pick up the slack in his absence. It seems all NFL teams looking for a QB stand-in are forgetting the “dark horse” still sitting on the bench in Seattle. Someone really should look into turning their season around by signing the man, the myth, the legend, horse cock Lock.

• Kenny Pickett suffered a concussion and may be back as soon as this upcoming week. Steelers fans are not worried considering the drubbing Mitch Trubisky gave the Bucs the week prior. Chase Claypool put down the head injury first down celebration antics and made a few big plays for the team. Let's just hope bitch Triscuit can keep the train rolling.

• Randall Cobb should be out for a few weeks with a relatively minor ankle injury. Aaron Rodgers and Packers have struggled, and not having a veteran wideout available does not help the situation. It honestly may be the right time to pull the veteran for a future upstart. Dare I say, horse cock Lock?

• JK Dobbins left the Ravens loss early with some apparent knee soreness and issues. He could miss more time if the knee is not ready to go soon. Lamar Jackson and company can pick up the slack, but it may be time to find a more solid future RB1. Drew Lock once carried the ball for a solid 12 yard gain in Denver in 2018. Maybe it's time to let horse cock take the reins.

• In summation, somebody get horse cock Lock a job. This man is chomping at the bit to show the girth of his true potential.

OVerwatch - A waiver Report from Josh West

Reprising his role from last season, Josh has once again abandoned the waiver report like an offbrand RC car on the day after Christmas. If anyone would like to assume the role of Waiver Warden, and embarrass on me spending $21 for Wan'Dale Robinson, please speak up.

Connor's Meme of the week