LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: The Giants rally from a 20-0 halftime deficit, Deshaun Watson continues to struggle in his return from required vacation, the Bengals have forgotten how to play football, Baker Mayfield is the greatest QB of all time, and the Broncos convert a miraculous Hail Mary, but fail the 2 point conversion and fall to the Commanders/Redskins/Football Team. Also a Dolphins fan in a Tyreek Hill jersey literally punched someone to death at Gillette Stadium, which was not very cool.

Game Results

Boof's big beefy boys 104.22 - 132.68 Stated Island Jokers

Santa must have brought it early, because it's only Week 2 and we already have our first JOSH BOWL. These two are the only managers to win the Kolkata Fantasy League, and are both trying to further their dominance and cement the Josh Supremacy. Fittingly, Jest got a big performance from Josh Allen himself in a blowout vs. the Raiders, who he initially only picked up because of his first name, trying to establish his team as the Josh Identity. On Boof's side, Ja'Marr Chase has been wildly disapointing so far, and is largely to thank for his 0-2 start. If this trend continues, Boof will have decisions to make, and will need to sit down with Ja'Marr and give him the Josh Ultimatum. Boof's blockbuster $15 waiver pickup up the week was Zay Jones, who ended up scoring a big fat zero for the Beefy Boys. If you do the math on that, it's actually 0 points per dollar of FAAB spent. George Kittle came into the week with a lingering groin issue (which is surprising, considering he's typically a perineal star), and mostly served as a decoy for the WR corps of the Jokers. Most notably, Mike Evans. Evans averaged almost 30 yards a catch en route to his 170 yards, and led all scoring for the Jokers. As good as the receivers were, the Running Backs were almost non-existent, and the Stated Island crew may need to acquire some depth at the position if they want to make a deep run in the playoffs this year. As for Boof, he may need to acquire some depth at the time machine position, so he can go back to draft day with the knowledge that the Bengals suck ass.

Jtopia Football Club 107.24 - 145.8 Duck Luck's Lucky DUcks 

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks have our highest score of the week, but Schucks, Duck Luck may be stuck if their RB's don't stop getting trucked, because these injuries are beginning to run amok. This matchup started with some high flying Wide Receivers on on Thursday Night, and both Devonta Smith and Justin Jefferson had stellar games for each team. Unfortunately, Thursday Night was the peak for Jay's team, while the Ducks continued to bulldoze through the weekend. Luke's squad had great performances from every position, with 7 players exceeding their projected scoring. If this team can get fully health with Saquon and Ekeler in the mix, they will be a force to reckoned with. Conversely, the JFC doesn't have much to be excited about. Nick Chubb exited the game (and briefly, this realm) on Monday Night when he took a hard hit and his knee bent to an acute angle, in a direction that would surprise you! Chubb will not be returning to the field this year, and it's possible he may never walk again. To make matters worse for the Football Club, Justin Fields has not turned out to be the heaven sent keeper that was promised, and is looking shockingly mediocre through the first two weeks. Kyle Pitts, who is now in his 3rd season in the NFL, has only exceeded his scoring projection 3 times in his career, but is probably going to turn the corner next week, or maybe the week after that. Jay will look to bounce back by picking up Nick Chubb's backup, Jerome Ford, who will surely be secured with an $80 bid.

Bo0ya's Ornery Melonheads 118.1 - 82.32 Hard Knockers

"Stephen learned his lesson last year and steered clear of the Denver Broncos with his draft, which already bodes well for the Melonheads". This was my first sentence in Bo0ya's matchup on last week's post, and apparently that was taken as a challenge. Stephen couldn't help himself, and picked up the Broncos Defense, which I think should have given him an automatic loss. Despite an absolutely offensive defensive performance, the Melonheads were carried to victory this week by some monster performances from Kirk Cousins and Tee Higgins, who heard the slander about his goose egg in week 1. Anthony Richardson has also been a bright spot so far this season, and scored 17 points despite only playing for one half. The Rookie QB will need to learn to protect himself if he wants to continue the production, considering his brain looks like it spent the weekend at No Quarter. Richardson is Questionable for next week with a concussion. It's been a Hard Knockers life, indeed, for Jared so far this season. Tony Pollard has been a bright spot for Knockers, and while his other players have had great performances, the consistency has not been there to equate to wins. It is still a young season, however, and if the Knockers can get his team in sync, they could be a sleeper later in the season. 

Team Pup N Suds 104.72 - 131.84 Myers Man's Men 

It looked pretty dire for the NY Giants after the first half of their matchup with the Cardinals. They had been outscored 60-0 so far on the season, Daniel Jones had negative points going into the second half, and all hope was lost. Lest? Teammates told media they saw a hooded Daniel Jones looking into a mirror at halftime, and after an uncomfortable 30 seconds of silence, he turned to the team and uttered a phrase that may change the course of their entire season: "It's Dimin' Time." From that point forward the Giants outscored the Cardinals 31 to 8, and reclaimed hope for their season. Brian Daboll proudly waited outside the visiting locker room after the final buzzer to give Daniel Jones and the players on his victorious new-look team an appreciative fist pounding on Sunday afternoon. Darren Waller yelled out, “There you go! There you go.” Rookie Jalin Hyatt gave a look of pleasant surprise. Running Back Saquon Barkley yelled out, “I got an [expletive] owie now.” And before Daniel hit the locker room door, former NFL great Eli Manning hugged him and said, “Y’all look so different.”

Connor has an [expletive] owie to their heart right now, looking at his bench. The 6 players on the Pup N Suds bench outscored his ENTIRE starting lineup by 16 points. I don't think I have ever seen anything like that, especially when his team didn't even have a bad week. Starting lineups may continue to be a chore for the Pup N Suds Squad, but the depth there is undeniable, and Snickers has taken notice, bumping him up al the way from last place to 3rd in the Final Standing Projection. 

Chafey's Tender Fellas 112.12 - 122.42 Team MingusBluesBoys 

This matchup also started out with a bang on Thursday Night. D'Andre Swift almost single-handedly brought the Eagles to the 1-yard line multiple times, where Nick Sirianni would promptly say "I don't want to play with you anymore" and instruct Jalen Hurts to dolphin dive his way into the end zone behind the Eagles' Big Chungi up front. On the other end, TJ "Mike Hocksbig" Hockensen caught 2 tuddies and had the highest score for a TE so far this season. Torn between natural football intuition/prowess and the dreaded ESPN projection, Chafey made the mistake of playing Joshua Kelley over Puka Nacua this week, and had to watch with despair as Puka garnered 74 targets in Week 2. Carson also had some explosive performances from his reserves this week, with Mostert and Pickens smoking big doinks in amish while combining for 46 points on the BluesBoys Bench. Chafey neglected the quarterback position in the draft, and is now reaping what he sowed, considering the tender fellas QB's were outscored by their BlueBoys counterparts by almost 30 points. However, Chafey's QB corps did outrape the Mingus squad 26-0. 

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

The offenses got it in gear this week even if Justin Fields had to reboot his brain in the backfield like an old Macintosh PC. A lot of north head ouchies this week. Here are are the CTE riddled losers. 

1. Anthony Richardson- Richardson suffered a concussion and is working through concussion protocol. Gardner Minshew took over and played a strong game leading to a Colts win. The Jets are truly in need of a better option at QB and Minshew could fit into that role. He has reportedly offered to buy the entire time jean shorts and a case of Miller lite as a reverse signing bonus.

2. David Montgomery- Montgomery has an apparent leg injury, but the Lions will not miss a step with the rookie Gibbs. The Goffense seems to run best through a back with the skill set of Gibbs.

3. Saquon Barkley- Saquon is injured AGAIN. This time, it looks like a relatively mild ankle injury. The injury prone nature of running backs has been a focal point of the running back contract disputes. Barkley has reportedly stated that if the Giants won’t pay him, he will start an OnlyFans account dedicated to his legs and the many scars from his previous injuries with the title of “Seductive Incisions.”

4. Nick Chubb- Nick Chubb suffered a complete obliteration of his knee. There can not be much left that is connected between his fibula, tibia, patella, and femur (medical nerds in chat.) Tweets from several reputable NFL sources said “ Chubb’s knee is in the same condition that a metal spoon is in after being left in a running microwave for 30 minutes. “ Former Tennessee head coach Butch Jones (the coach of UT when Chubb first injured his knee) was seen laughing and clapping when he heard the news at the Arkansas state training facility. 

1. Jaylen Waddle- Waddle suffered a concussion and may miss time going forward. He was seen doing his signature waddle dance after a touchdown. However, after further investigation, the team realized Waddle had simply lost the motor function to walk and thought he was at SeaWorld dancing with Shamu. The Dolphins have reported his injury as a small back strain and they plan to run him in “Tebow-like” formations to shake the cobwebs loose at the start of Week 3. We have reached out to the Waddle family to inquire about the presence of a will or where Waddle may want to spend the rest of his life paralyzed, but we have received no comment.

Connor's Meme of the week

Boof’s Best Bets™

Week 2

Boof’s Best Bets

This column nearly ended after 1 week. In a desperate plea to the gambling gods I offered up my retirement if Tennessee did not cover +14.5 after a disgusting first half performance. TN did in fact cover and lost by 13. We will never speak of this game again. 

Anyways, Week 2 was a huge bounceback for points and the over. After the under went 12-4 last week, the over went 13-3! Turns out, preseason matters for these NFL offenses. Once again, our fledgling gambler, Jay, is making a case for rookie of the year. Jay hit another excellent parley and is off to a hot start. Let's all try to be like Jay this week. 

Unsolicited advice: Bet live lines! The giants had the largest comeback in their franchise’s history after a terrible first half, if you bet live to win or cover the odds were very juicy. Additionally, the Commies had a huge comeback over Russel Wilson’s Bronkies. Often, you can find way better odds on a game after it has started. If there’s a favorite you like but the line is too big, wait and see if the underdog scores an early touchdown or field goal and bet the live spread.

P.S. Pookie Nookie is getting a lot of buzz for offensive player of the year, but let's not forget Bijon Robinson is incredible and Arthur Smith will ride him all the way to the playoffs. You can still get +150ish odds on Bijon to win offensive rookie of the year, take it now before the buzz of the other rookies wears off.

Bad Beat of the week: 49ers -7.5 🙁 

Sean McVay certainly was in on this sick joke. The 49ers were up 10 late in the fourth quarter, Sean McVay drove the offense down the field, spiked the ball, and kicked a field goal as time expired to lose 30-23. Very interesting decision by the golden boy…

Boof’s Best Bet 4-1 🤑

Week 2 picks:

• Atlanta moneyline ✅ 

• Titans +3 ✅ 

• Falcons +1.5, Steelers +2.5, Saints -3, and Titans +3  ✅

• Saints -3 & Steelers +2.5 ✅

We are hot right now! I’ll text out my picks for Week 3 later this week if you want to tail or fade me.