LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: After a controversial handling of his "lingering back issues" last week, Tua Tagovailoa was ragdolled on Thursday night, and looked as though he had locked eyes with the Basilisk while he laid motionless on the field. Experts are concerned that Tua may have gone "Million Dollar Baby Mode" after the collision, while many are applauding his flawless Cup Guy impression. In other news, the Ravens blew a huge lead to the Bills, The Eagles rallied back from an early deficit vs. the Jags, and the Chiefs walloped the Bucs in Patrick Mahomes' 5th "last game" against Brady. This week officially marks the beginning of Spooky SZN, where we all get to enjoy the same feeling of dread and horror that I get looking at my lineup every week. Lastly, huge congratulations to our very own Carson Warren, manager of the MingusBluesBoys, on his wedding this weekend. This week's report will be uncharacteristically favorable to Carson in celebration of his big day.

Game Results

Team Mingusbluesboys 97.44 - 94.78 BOOF's big beefy boys

Speaking of the man of the week, Carson, finally got his first win this week! Things are on the up and up for our original Beefy Boy. There may be a slight asterisk next to the win, however. Boof was up until 3AM playing Fortnite on his phone, and did not set his alarm to wake up early on Sunday morning, which meant he missed the announcement that Kamara would not be playing in the game across the pond. The goose egg in the RB slot did end up being the dagger that killed poor Boof this week, but Trevor Lawrence did not do him any favors either. TLaw managed to lose FOUR fumbles, which is the most fumbles lost by a single player in our lifetimes. Despite Justin Jefferson popping off, Boof still had the lowest score of the week, and should seriously re-evaluate his screen time if he wants to catch injury alerts on time in the future. For Carson's Blues Boys, Tyreek and DK carried the load this week, and while some may question his move to spend 3/5 of his FAAB on Njoku and the Chargers defense, desperate times call for desperate measures, a win is a win. Carson will hope his team continues to improve, as despite the win, his team has been bottom 3 in scoring in all but one week so far.

Myers Man's Men 96.14 - 103.48 Team pup n suds

The Pup n Suds were forced to feign interest in Tua's health while swallowing the pill that he left in the form of 2.4 points in the starting QB slot on Thursday night, but the team was able to rally back thanks to a couple 20 bombs from the King Henry and Jamaal Williams. The Myers Men countered back with a pair of 20 bombs from his Burrow/Higgins stack. This match came down to a Monday Night showdown, with the score almost equal, and both teams Tight Ends yet to play. Connor also had the Rams defense, but they decided to score zero points just to keep this a valid 1v1. Tyler Higbee got the edge in this duel, although mostly due to him being just white enough for Stafford to keep thinking he was Cooper Kupp. Kittle still has yet to show anything of value in this Fantasy Football season, despite his good looks, hooligan nature, and boyish charm. Unfortunately he'll have to drop the Himbo persona and get some actual stats, which may be tough with Jimmy "where Deebo" Garappolo leading the offense. In the meantime, Carter will have to cry into his Chicken Bake and hope to end his two game slide against the foreboding Buff Boys next week.

Boob plowers 139.8 - 134.88 Staten Island Jokers

In this weeks highest scoring matchup, the Jokers got an unlucky draw against the Plowers. The Jokers would have beaten all but two teams this week, but in the battle vs. the Boob Plowers, the QB play was the difference. Josh's squad had some mediocre QB performances that were overshadowed by a superb outing from his skill position players. Jalen Hurts finally came down to earth this week, and Derek Carr continued to be meh, but for the Plowers, Jared Goff was the star of the show, putting up 380 yards and 4TD's in the Lions shootout with Seattle. The Plowers pulled this one off despite a rough showing from Amari Pooper and Darren Waller, who may be escorted to the bench, where Luke has some very good options waiting in the wings. The Dolphins defense could have swung this matchup in favor of the Staten Island faithful, but the unit was absent, as there was a scheduling conflict with Tua's funeral. Future looks bright for both of these teams, and Josh retains the top spot in the West and the Boob Plowers depth has them poised to drop more Chestnuts in the future.

Motor City Raw Dogs 106.8 - 115.92 Chafey's Buff Boys

This one has to sting for the Raw Dogs, considering the amount of familiar faces on the opposing roster. 50% of Chafey's points came from Motor City products, in the form of Joe Mixon and CeeDee Lamb, who were acquired in a trade this week, and Dameon Pierce, who was cut from the Raw Dogs just two weeks ago. These three were out for vengeance against their former owner, and delivered in a big way. On the other side of the trade from this week, Marcus Mariota took the helm at QB for the Raw Dogs, and played downright horrible against his former squad. The Buff Boys had this win locked up by Monday Night, and opted to sit their defense to avoid any negative points. The 49ers D did manage to score 22 points, so we'll have to bookmark this matchup just in case there are any 'Points Scored' tiebreakers heading into the playoffs.

jtopia football club 97.82 - 176.58 Bo0ya's ornery melonheads

Bo0ya had been on the better side of luck with their first few matchups, and pulled out a 2-1 record despite some low scoring affairs. No luck needed this time, as the Melonheads dropped the highest score that the league has seen this season. Pretty much everyone on the Ornery squad had a good game, but it was highlighted by TJ Hockenson's ABSURD 35 point performance, thanks to 180 receiving yards and 2 tuddies. Cooper Kupp continues to dominate, at a rate that even outpaces his record season last year, in true gym rat fashion. In 3 out of 4 weeks this season, Jtopia has started the Jacksonville RB that scored fewer points than their counterpart, although this week didn't really matter since they both did horrible. Outside of that, everyone else on the Jtopia squad played pretty poorly except for his QB's, he'll need to pray that his QB's can carry him to the promised land if his skill position players don't pick things up. As for Bo0ya and his Melonheads, we can only hope that this week is an anomaly and he'll come down to earth. It would be pretty embarrassing if we let a newcomer win.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

• Tua Tagovailoa suffered a second serious concussion and had to be carted off the field and taken to a hospital. Preliminary results show that he hasn’t suffered any serious brain injuries. He will remain in concussion protocol after this week and will not play. No joke here. Fuck the dolphins for almost getting this man killed.

• Javontae Williams suffered a torn ACL this week and will miss the remainder of the year. Wilson and crew will have to ride on without him. We have learned that all Melvin Gordon I’s have reassembled a la Voltron back into MGIII to fill in for the loss.

• Cordarelle Patterson will miss several weeks from a knee injury. Not to worry as the falcons have an explosive offense to pick up the slack. Their new starter will be Tyler alligator who is known for his signature “bite” cut move. He is also known for his other signature double move (and by double move I mean polygamy, this man went to BYU fellas.)

• Daniel Jones suffered an ankle injury and could miss some playing time. The giants are looking for a replacement if Jones can’t go. With the giants field taking so many players it’s scary going forward for the G-men. I would say run wildcat with Kadarius Toney, but one big breath from Al Michaels in the studio might produce enough force to shatter his tibia, fibula, and femur.

• Jonathan Taylor suffered an ankle injury. It may be able to suit up Thursday. We have been told Matty Ice has been using his signature Frozone breath to soothe his pulsating extremity.

OVerwatch - A waiver Report from Josh West

Josh is travelling from the Ocean Paradise of Hawaii back to his home on the range in Kansas. As such, he's unable to deliver the cutting-edge analysis we have grown to love and value. But fear not, here's some tasty charts to see just how the FAAB situation looks (as of 10/4).

Connor's Meme of the week