LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Everyone's always asking, where is week 9? wah, where is week 9? How come nobody ever asks HOW is week 9? Week 9 is a figment of your imagination. It never happened. It's time to move on. This week Jeff Sunday proved he was a good boy by pressing CTRL + Z on the whole Sam Ehlinger thing. Julio Jones scored the first NFL TD ever in Germany, the Eagles finally lost (to the Commies???), and the Bills somehow clinched defeat from the jaws of Victory against the Vikings.

Game Results

Motor City Raw Dogs 95.8 - 85.56 BO0ya's ornery melonheads

Well boys, it's happened, Jared has won a football game. It's been a rough season for the Raw Dogs, who have been playing the trading block like the slot machine in the back corner of a Tulsa gas station. Is his team better or worse for that? Well, up until this week, he was riding an 8 game losing streak, so we'll let that speak for itself. Lets not pretend this is some changing of the guard situation, because the Raw Dogs were only edged out by .4 points in claiming the second lowest score of the week. For Bo0ya, the season has taken a downward turn quickly. Zach Ertz was injured on Sunday, Cooper Kupp got sent to IR, and he is somehow still starting Russell Wilson. The plus side is that he may have found a good keeper in Chris Olave, and yeah that's about it. Christian Kirk looked good though!

Mingus Blues Boys 113.12 - 114.58 Jtopia Football Club

This one looks extremely close at first glance, but Jay made sure we were all aware that he would have scored more if he had left Scary Terry in on Monday Night. Justin Fields has been on an absolute tear recently, which is extremely frustrating because Carter gaslit me into thinking I was an idiot for picking up Fields in multiple drafts this year. Well here we are now and Fields is looking like the QB to own in Fantasy. Pair that up with Josh Allen, and well, Jtopia's got a little stew cookin. Carson had some superb performances this week from his RB corps, but his Wide Receivers and QB's could not deliver in the same way, delivering a heartbreaking loss that pushes Carson further from Playoff contention. If he does miss the Playoffs, you will find him sulking in Cobblestone Trump Tower reminiscing about the good ol days.

Staten Island Jokers 108.12 - 149.28 Team Pup N Suds

This matchup indicates a tectonic shift at the top of the Kolkata league. For a long time, the Jokers were THE team to beat, but after losing 2 straight games now, the Suds have joined the Jokers with the best record in the league. You heard me right the same Pup N Suds that Snickers projected 10th, dead last to start the season, is now tied for the lead. It's an underdog story if I've ever heard one, and this underdog needs a bath, because the Pups have been filthy the last few weeks. In this matchup, no one man needed to carry the whole load for Connor's crew, and surprisingly, King Henry was the only player not to finish with double digits. It's okay, he needed a rest week anyways. Tua has looked fantastic ever since he saw God when he was tempolrarily dead on the field a few weeks back. Connors team is looking scary. The Jokers have leaned on their Running Backs for success this whole season, and considering he has the league-wide RB1 and RB2 on his team, it's been a sound strategy. But the last couple weeks have been lackluster for Chubb in Ekeler, which may have begun to show the cracks in the rest of Josh's lineup. We'll see if the pranksters can bounce back next week against the formidable Buff Boys.

Myers Man's Men 95.4 - 138.2 Boof's big beefy boys

The Beefy Boys are picking up steam, and the rest of the league is appropriately shidding and farting with fear. Despite a disappointing outing from Boof's Running Backs, Justin Jefferson, who had a miraculous 4th down grab, and Patrick Mahomes, who continues to consistently deliver, sealed a comfortable victory for the Beefmen. Carter will be happy to see Jonathan Taylor returning to form, since the number 1 draft pick hasn't put up 20 points since week 1. It may be too little too late for the Myers Men, however, considering this loss knocks them down to last place in the Eastern Division. Carter may soon be resorting to soaking in the hot tub with Rip to wallow in their despair. At least he has the Family League!

Boob Plowers 114.94 - 139.74 Chafey's Buff Boys

In a battle for 3rd place in the highly competitive East Division, week started off poorly for the Buff Boys, when Kyle Pitts, predictably, did horrible on Thursday Night. On Sunday it was the Ceedee Lamb show, who reeled in 2TD's as well as 150 yards receiving in a loss to the Packers. The Plowers have to be concerned with Christian McCaffrey's usage in San Francisco. With Eli Mitchell returning from IR, the carries were much more evenly split then expected, which really put a cap on McCaffrey's upside. Chafey was golden, heading into Monday Night, as long as Dallas Goedert didn't score 40 points. Luckily he did not do that, but he did hurt his shoulder and get sent to IR, which will be a tough hole to fill on the Boob Plowers roster.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

• Cooper Kupp has suffered an ankle injury and has been placed on IR. This loss will really devastate the already struggling Rams. Matthew Stafford has a hard time not throwing to Aryan receivers, so Tyler Higbee and Skowronek are set for roughly 15 targets each this upcoming week. Earlier reports indicate that Van Jefferson has purchased custom fitting all white under armor and has secured access to Kupp’s locker room. The team does not plan to tell Stafford of Kupp’s diagnosis in the hopes that he might throw it to any other human being in tactical whiteface.

• Jerry Jeudy hurt his ankle on the most recent bump in the Broncos country ride. We will see how bad it is going forward, but it should not really change much in Denver. Russell is spending all of his time posting cringe tik toks instead of solving the struggles on offense, and Melvin Gordon III looks more like Elvin Ordon -1.

• JuJu Smith-Schuster suffered what seemed to be a potentially severe concussion on a hard hit. The positive spin on his injury is that it's possible the heavy hit deleted from his memory all of the years watching Rapeburger eating McDouble’s and wiping his mouth with the McDonald’s bag in between offensive drives.

• Khali Herbert injured his hip in the game and did not return. Turns out, David Montgomery heard that Herbert may be taking his starting role. Rumors are circulating that he may have taken inspiration from the drama in the Washington backfield this offseason. If these rumors are true, David could be spending some time in the slamor.

• Zach Ertz hurt his knee and it does not look good. The Cardinals are a mess and things do not look to be getting better any time soon. Baby Yoda and company better right the ship soon or the Cardinals may call for the return of the prehistoric beast, Kurt Warner.

Connor's Meme of the week