LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: The Bills get embarrassed on Monday Night Football and subsequently fired their OC, Ken Dorsey. Apparently Dorsey had scripted plays where James Cook fumbles and Dorsey also told Josh Allen to throw to the other team. Management decided that was not a winning strategy and gave him the axe. The Jets continue to look like Brian Ferentz is leading the offense, and Zach Wilson looks like a can of beans with arms. We were blessed with a tremendous Bears-Panthers matchup on Thursday, and these mascots make no freaking sense. There are no bears in Chicago, and there have only been five bear sightings in the entire state of Illinois since 2008, ALL of which were immigrants from Missouri and Wisconsin. As for the Panthers, well, a panther (which was really actually an Eastern Cougar) has not been seen in the Carolinas since 1938. I would be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, but their logo is a black panther, which is really a leopard or jaguar with an overdose of melanin, and there have been ZERO confirmed sightings of these in the entire US EVER. As punishment for their awful mascots, this game was expectedly horrible. 

Game Results

Hard Knockers 113.62 - 104.78 Staten Island Jokers

After starting the year 0-4, the Hard Knockers looks like they were down for the count. But through a series of fortunate events, the Knockers have taken that record and (Lemony) snuck it all the way back up to .500 (placeholder joke, come back and replace before publishing). The Knockers are red hot, winning 5 of their last 6, and now knocking down the Jokers, quelling a 34 point splosion from CeeDee Lamb in the process. Despite a 2 point stinker from Handsome Squidward in Jacksonville, Jared's squad got more than enough lift from their swashbuckling Tampa Bay duo of Evans and White, along with a solid game from Aiyuk (bless me). The Jokers finally had to endure a QB bye week, and missed Jalen Hurts' points dearly in a close matchup. Tony Pollard has to be one of the biggest disappointments of the season, and has fallen at the 1 yard line probably 47 times so far this season. While I am typing this, I'm just now realizing that Josh played two Tight Ends, as he continues to galaxy brain his way to the bottom of the league

Team MingusBluesBoys 107.06 - 115.84 Bo0ya's ornery melonheads

Carson has been trying to ship out Geno Smith, and decided to sit him this week, which really makes sense when you have a Fantasy stud and future Hall of Famer like Tyson Bagent on the roster. Geno almost outscored both of Mingus' starting QB's combined this week, and could have won the matchup, given the opportunity. Carson may have scratched this one off as a loss pre-game, since Mahomes (pronounced Muh-Hoh-Mehz) and Tyreek were taking the week off, but his team put up a great fight. Christian Watson may want to find a new deity, because he has been absolute booty cheeks thus far this season, it turns out him scoring 14 TD's on 3 catches last year was a fluke. We will monitor to see if a Buddhist Watson or Muslim Watson appears on the depth chart next week. Bo0ya has hopped on the Josh Dobbs ride this season, and he doesn't want to get off. Dobbs continues to impress, regardless of where he's playing. Unfortunately for the Melonheads, they don't have much of a choice now, and will be forced to find another diamond in the rough, since Deshaun Watson's shoulder is one risky fart away from shattering into a million pieces. Doctors have recommended season-ending surgery, but Watson insists that he knows a place where yeah yeah there's a massage joke coming we all get it. 

Myers Man's Men 136.56 - 111.84 Team Pup N Suds

Well, Connor played the highest scoring team of the week again. The consolation is that the Pups weren't in the top half of scoring, so it doesn't feel like he got his back blown out by RNG. The Myers Men were firing on all cylinders this week, and could have run up the score even more had they not chosen the cheese play with Taysom Hill at Tight End. Outside of the two starting Saints, basically everyone on the Myers Men did really well. Even on the bench Najee had his best game of the season, it was just an all around good week for Carter's squad. Not much else to say there, really. So I won't. I'm not going to say anything else about Carter's team. Now I'm going to talk about Connor's team. With Tua on Bye and Jordan Love being shit, the Pups stuck with their Tennessee allegiance and played Will Levis, who has cooled down considerably since his electric debut. Titans trainers are hoping the loss drives Levis to reconsider his pre-workout, which consists mainly of oil, egg yolk, and some kind of acid (typically vinegar or lemon juice). Despite the big games from the Sun God and Sam Howell, the Pups leave the week feeling like they have a case of the Suds*.

Boof's Big Beefy Boys 127.46 - 82.4 Chafey's Tender Fellas

Well my team freaking SUCKED this week. My WR1, WR2, RB2, TE, Flex, and Defense COMBINED to score 7 points less than Keenan Allen. This was just a beatdown in every sense of the word. If I lose like this again I'm done writing the report, I don't care, I'm messed up like that, I'll do it. Okay I'm just now receiving word that nobody cares. This is what losing to Kenny Pickett does to an MF. Boof had a multitude of options as well, any of the players on his bench would have been better than the Gridiron Wang I put out there this week. Demario Douglas?? Who the hell is that??? I am 90% sure that's an AI generated player, and he was better than any of my WR's. Even Jaxon Smith-N would have been a better play than my options. Boof's Boys were Bruisers, Bullies, and ultimately, they were just too Beefy for me to contend with.

Buford, if you're reading this, you need to look at your Discord DM's. There is something from Justin I think you should see. 

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 100.24 - 131.26 Jtopia Football Club

Every time I get sad or angry, (see above) I remember that Luke's Fantasy team exists. The Lucky Ducks went toe to toe with the top team in the West this week, and Jtopia's squad played like it. ETN started the week on a bad foot in Germany, but mostly because of the EU debuff where points are scored via kilometer, as opposed to the traditional yardage metric. There is also an old folklore in Seattle, that the first Cow to be born in November can grant superhuman strength and dexterity to those who see it in person. Well sources tell us that this past week, DK met calf, which explains his solid performance on Sunday. Jesus Christ I am running out of ideas. Dak Prescott proved once again that he has the Giants (sleep) number, as the Cowboys beat New York once again, and in their two matchups have tallied a score of 89-17. Luke will hope to end his historic losing streak next week vs his baby brudder, which could make for an awkward Thanksgiving.

I was very bored this week and decided to make a film breakdown of where things went wrong for the Lucky Ducks this season: ChafeyAnalytics - The Lucky Ducks Conundrum

*  "Suds" Spongebob Squarepants, Season 1, Episode 15b, Nickelodeon, 17 January, 2000.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

According to Barstool Sports, the Bill have entered the “Ass” tier, but they have still managed to stay above “Super- Ass.” Here are this week’s Carson Wentz(s).

Taylor Heinicke (Hamstring)- Heinicke left the Falcons’ loss Sunday. Desmond Ridder was caught on a field mic saying “Riddle me this..” while adding something shiny and silver into the Qb’s hip towel. The towel was found riddled with blades shaped into question marks that severed the ligament of Heinicke’s leg.

Desean Watson (Shoulder)- Watson played the second half of the Browns’ win with an ankle sprain and broken shoulder. He will undergo surgery on the shoulder that will end his season. We have been given a report that the entire city of Cleveland has been put on a strict curfew and local tanning salons and massage parlors have been put on high alert as “Wankin Watson” will have a lot of free time on his hands. 

Alexander Mattison- Mattison suffered a concussion and could miss some time going forward. This hurts the Vikings even more after losing Cam Akers for the season with a ghastly achilles tear. The Vikings are possibly going to 

Derek Carr (Shoulder)- Derek Carr suffered a shoulder injury and left the massive Saints loss on Sunday. Carr has been quite a disappointment and calls for free the beast (Mr. Winston) have been raining down in New Orleans. Jameis has the sharp wit and hips of steel to carry the Saints moving forward and we can only hope we get more wonderful post game conferences in the future. 

Aaron Rodgers (Achilles)- It might be odd to mention Rodgers, but it has been reported that he may be back from his Achilles tear as early as December. This would be remarkable, and may just save the sinking ship in New York. It has been reported that Aaron Rodgers may have expedited his injury recovery by rubbing his heel with rosemary and dolphin ejaculate, a five thousand year old tradition brought to his attention by Dr.  Fealgud ( Rodger’s Personal Physician and Pat McAfee’s tank top dealer.). 

Baker Mayfield - Mayfield hurt his thumb in Sunday’s win over the Titans, but he seems to be fine going forward. While this is good news for the Bucs, their secondary is still reeling from the absolute desecration they were subjected to be C.J. Stroud two weeks ago and still are dealing with lingering injuries to their corners. The entire secondary was required to enter “testicular protocol.” It was determined that the entire secondary was made sterile by the nuclear meltdown caused by the eruption of offense from a man named Coleridge.

Boof’s Best Bets™

Week 10

Boof’s BAD Bets

Unfortunately, Mr. Editor was correct last week in his fantasy breakdown. I have reached the point where I am shamelessly RTing b0v@da tweets trying to win free money because I’m fresh out. I was down bad, and tried to come back by only betting longshot parlays. It was unsuccessful. I seriously need to stop parlaying everything together. So far I’m 80% a genius. 

Quick notes-

• Bet the under. Rinse. Repeat. Primetime unders are almost a guarantee this season.

• CJ Stroud is legitimately an MVP contender. He won’t win, but he only has 2 interceptions all year and is making winning plays. QB play is atrocious this year and there’s an argument that he has been easily a top 5 QB up to this point. I thought this was the week for the shoe to drop, but he outplayed Joey B and won another close one.

• Josh Dobbs is still very good, the Vikings are on a heater and JJ should be coming back soon. Their schedule is very easy and I like them to make the playoffs.

• Deshaun Watson is now pursuing a career in massage therapy. His protege DTR will now take over and will tempt me to bet the STillERS

• Bengals and Ravens both lost as heavy favorites and face off this Thursday in a really important divisional matchup.

• The AFC South and NFC South once again are wide open and someone could win with a .500 record. 

• Kyler Murray is back and so are all the fantasy Cardinals I’ve been hoarding. Kyler is fueled by COD and COD is fueled by Kyler. Bet the Cardinals over the next few weeks, their lines are still pretty bad and don’t seem to have adjusted to having Kyler and James Connor back. The defense does still suck though. 

• My NBA player props are hitting at 100%, it’s so easy 

• The Grizzlies are a joke of an organization and have cost me a lot of money. I am sad. 

Bad Beats- 

Every prop parlay I lost was 1 leg off. I’ll be using this time to examine my process and curse Stephon Diggs and Marquise Brown. 

Additionally, there were SIX game winning field goals this weekend! I watched all my bets explode in dramatic fashion. 

• Browns

• Texans

• Seahawks

• Lions

• Cardinals

• And then the Broncos on Monday night! 

This was the most game winning field goals in a single weekend in NFL history. 

Boof’s Best Bet 28-26-1 🤮 (through week 10, missing week 9)

Ravens -6.5 ❌

Bengals -5.5 ❌

Steelers -3 ✅

Seahawks -6 ❌

Lions -2.5 ✅

Titans +2.5 ❌

Cardinals +2.5 ✅

Broncos + 7 ✅

Broncos Bills Under 47.5 ✅