LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: The Jets survive despite a heartbreaking injury to Aaron Rodgers on his first drive, and Detroit started off the season with a bang by defeating the defending champion Chiefs. The Packers continue to own real estate at Soldier Field in Chicago, the Keebler Browns disembowel their in-state rivals, and 9/11 came early for New York Giants fans, as the Cowboys rode in and established MetLife stadium as a new Ground Zero. In other news, Danny Masterson, who played Hyde in That 70's Show, earned some jail time by doing a couple rapes. The Cleveland Browns were unavailable for comment. 

Game Results

Boof's big beefy boys 67.14 - 104.06 Chafey's Tender Fellas

As a true fan of the game, Boof decided he needed some extra incentive to watch the Thursday Night Opener, and made the decision to start Kadarius Toney. Young Joka had difficulties with drops, presumably because he was surprised his legs had not fallen off by the time the ball made it to his hands. Thankfully, Toney got some action in the running game, where he added 1 carry for -1 yard. While Toney was by far the worst, it only set the stage for let down from the rest of Boof's playmakers. Keenan Allen was the only offensive player to even sniff their projected points. The QB matchup went in favor of Chafey by a mile, as Lamar "5 Years, $260 Million" Jackson had a lackluster day, and Boof's Pittsburgh QB was throwing every pass while asking himself "Kenny Pickett?" and the answer was yes, twice. Both QB's combined failed to meet the point total of Chafey's Deshaun Watson, who has never done anything wrong. Christian McCaffrey was the star of the show for the Fellas, as the swiss army man carved up the Steelers D for 170 total yards. There are some injury concerns for Chafey's tenderizers, however, with 4 members of the team potentially out for multiple weeks. We'll have to see if he can patch together a serviceable team in the meantime. As for Boof, not only did he have one of the most abysmal weeks we've ever seen, but almost all of his starting players lost their real life games too. Morale is going to be low for the Boys in Beef, but Boof has a tendency to start slow and carry a big stick. 

Jtopia Football Club 109.26 - 100.94 Stated Island Jokers 

Josh West changed his name to "Stated Island Jokers" and I honestly have no idea what the hell that means. Just wanted to get that out of the way. What I do know is that Josh is probably applying the Joker face paint as we speak after watching Josh Allen dash his hopes on Monday Night. The week started off rough for the Jokers when he made the same mistake as Boof, which was starting a KC player not named Patrick Mahomes. Without his faithful Tight End, Patrick aired the ball out to 12 different receivers, which resulted in lackluster stats for all of them. I know Patrick Mahomes wasn't even in this matchup, but can we just take a minute to appreciate how good he is, ugh, what a specimen. Again, neither of these teams have Mahomes, but you just have to appreciate the greatness. I would suck him off from the back without hesitation. Anyways, both of these teams had a QB keeper this year, and neither of them were too impressive in their season debut, with Justin Fields somehow pulling 14 points out of his butt despite looking absolutely horrendous on the field, and Jalen Hurts going game manager mode vs the Pats. Jay's team had some solid performances from JJetas and ETN, and his team was pretty solid all the way around. The Jokers had a shot, but decided to sit the Dallas Defense, who he couldn't BELIEVE was still on the board in the 3rd round of the draft. Even still, a decent performance from Josh Allen on Monday Night could have delivered a win, but Mr. Allen remembered he played football at freaking Wyoming in college, and is not supposed to be good. He turned it over 4 times, Jokers lose, the Football Club is victorious.

Bo0ya's Ornery Melonheads 96.38 - 105.82 Team MingusBluesBoys

Stephen learned his lesson last year and steered clear of the Denver Broncos with his draft, which already bodes well for the Melonheads. What does not bode well, is when your 3rd round pick puts up a big fat goose egg. Tee Higgins had a shocking 0 catches on 8 (EIGHT!!!) targets. Why didn't he catch the ball? Is he stupid? You have to believe the Bengals will rebound, but maybe they won't and maybe Joe Burrow is actually just a worse Nathan Peterman. The Jets Defense started to breathe some hope into the heads of the Melons, but they ultimately fell short of the Glory of God. Meanwhile for the BluesBoys (of Mingus fame), the Chargers may have appeared pregnant or vulnerable, because something gave Tyreek Hill the green light to beat the ever-living crap out of them. The Miami WR gave the Defense and absolute gut punch, and kicked them down the stairs en route to a 200+ yard, 2TD outing. If it were not for Reek going super-saiyan, Carsbob probably would have lost, because no one else on his team had a noteworthy performance, with all players sans-Hill underperfoming their projection. If you go based on projections, Tyreek vs Tee Higgins by itself is a 33 point swing, which made all the difference in this one. We can only pray that this loss does not drive Stephen back into the longing arms of the Broncos, as we all know that path only leads to pain and suffering. 

Hard Knockers 99.52 - 99.68 Myers Man's Men 

This one was a doozy. The Myers Men felt comfortable heading into Sunday Night, with only Pollard to play for the Knockers, and Danny Dimes for the Men. Well Pollard started absolutely cracking off, and his two touchdowns put the Hard Knockers into the lead. Daniel Roosevelt had quite a rough time out there against the Dallas Defense, to put it lightly, and it appeared that the smart decision would be to pull him out of the game, with the score out of hand, and the game out of reach. But Brian Daboll had seen how Demar Hamlin recovered from his injury, and it sickened him. He was quoted as saying "Job's not finished", and staffers say he was "drooling" at the thought of having one of his own players die on the field. This remains the only explanation as to why Daniel Jones kept taking the field while he was getting drawn and quartered by the Cowboys' defensive front in a 40-0 blowout. Regardless of intent, Danny was able to string together a couple of passes before the game ended, and managed to give Carter a razor thin advantage. Jared also fell victim to the Cincinnati massacre, where Joe Burrow could have provided a lift if he had done absolutely anything. There is optimism for both teams, however, as the Knockers had to feel soft seeing Brandon Aiyuk drop almost 30 points on the bench, and the Man's Men are happy to see Bijan Robinson start the season strong, despite sharing the load with Allgeier. 

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 103.48 - 118.82 Team Pup N Suds 

A despondent Connor told me on Sunday Night that it was over. he was sure that he would have the second highest scoring team and lose to the top scorer. He cursed fantasy football, cursed his mother, cursed Sugar, and cursed John Madden himself for creating this football game we all love. I sat bewildered, with my third eye ajar, and calmly explained, "Connor, my friend, the goal is not out of reach. I have seent that Mr. Diggs will deliver you". I also went on to explain that by the end of the Jets' first drive, Aaron Rodgers Achilles tendon would resemble a 16 oz. bag of shredded cheese, and he need not despair. Well sure enough both of those things happened and here we are, Pup N Suds is 1-0 and Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks are Unlucky as Duck. Outside of Aaron Rodgers making this the worst 9/11 in New York history, the Ducks were doing pretty well, relative to the rest of the league. Ekeler was ballin', Calvin Ridley parlayed his 8 catches into 100 yards and a score, and DeVonta Smith showed out. But it wasn't quite enough to overcome the goose egg from QB1. This matchup also featured a microcosm of the Fantasy Tight End landscape, with G0edert and 0k0nkw0 both playing the entire game and still scoring 0 points. The Suds are playing with fire by starting Tua, who had a monster game, but could fall victim to the legendary Pup N Suds QB curse, as he did a year ago. We all know that Tua is one solid hit away from eating through a straw for the rest of his life, so we can only pray that Connor's curse spares him this season. 

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

This year started off with some weird fantasy duds as offenses got off to relatively slow starts (minus crypt hands Tua.) Unfortunately, teams couldn’t dodge the week one injury bug this year. Here are this week’s victims of Greek Tragedy.

• Aaron Rodgers- Hard Knocks indeed. Aaron Rodgers has a torn achilles and will miss the entire season. He has reported that he will spend the rest of the season in a dark cave in Guatemala with his only access to the outside world through the JRE. Hopefully he will be back next year, but for now, the Jets go back to mommy slammer Zach Wilson. Who knows if they will attempt to snag a new QB through a trade or free agency. Carson Wentz is available and has agreed to come out of the woods hunting with his dogs to consider paying the Jets to let him play for them. We will keep you updated with any new developments.

•  J.K. Dobbins- J.K. and the Ravens cannot catch a break with injuries in their backfield. Dobbins is out the entire year with a torn achilles. Reports state that Dobbins was keeping his legs warm on the stationary bike and threw his sweat towel off to the side. Unbeknownst to him, the sweat towel hit his house elf named Flobby (can’t sue me for copyright) who promptly was freed from his slavery to the Ravens organization. Out of spite, he snuck onto the field in an invisible state and is reported to have snipped Dobbins' achilles with a pair of tape scissors. We have reached out to Gringotts but have received no comment.  

• Aaron Jones- Aaron Jones left with a hamstring injury and did not return. Reports state that AJ Dillon may have filled Jones’ sombrero along its seams with iron plating. This may have led to a loss of balance and the subsequent hamstring injury. We will keep you updated as the week goes on.

• Pat Friermuth- The Steelers star tight end left the game with an apparent chest injury. The TE rooms across the league are truly hurting this year. We have had a few unsubstantiated reports that the group of running backs who had a zoom meeting this offseason may have also conducted a black ritual to a demon. Reports state that the running backs, led by glass bones McCaffery,  agreed to offer up Dobbins’ heath as a ritualistic sacrifice to strike all tight ends with mystery afflictions. We will let you know if this story develops any further. 

• Diontae Johnson- Johnson will miss a few weeks of playing time moving forward with a hamstring injury. While waiting to heal, he has agreed to have elective skin graft surgery to increase Kenny Picketts’ hand size from Flik from A Bug’s Life to at least the same size as Hogarth from The Iron Giant . Hopefully this surgery will increase Pickett’s chances of connecting with his talented skill players.

Connor's Meme of the week

Boof’s Best Bets™

NFL is back! And so is terrible gambling advice, news, and updates from yours truly- this time on our beautiful website. I’d like to formally welcome Jay to the darkside. He won his first ever bet with the Sun God first quarter receiving yards prop. Great play! It only goes downhill from here. If anyone has some big bets hit, or terrible luck please share it with me! 

 We had a disgusting week 1 that rewarded the SiCkOs that hate fun and bet unders. The under went 12-4! The other major trend we saw in week 1 was domination from Road teams. Teams playing away from home went 12-4 ATS and 10-6 outright. 

Bad Beat of the Week: New England vs. Philly was +4.5 with an over/ under of 46.5 (moving to 44.5 by gametime on some books.) The game started horribly for the Patriots as they fell behind 16-0 in the first quarter. Tom Brady was honored at halftime and he ran around the stadium kissing his son on the lips to inspire the team. Mac Daddy & co came storming back. Late in the 4th, the Pats scored to make it 20-25. They went for 2 on a QB run, making it 22-25 covering the spread and the over. However, this was called back for holding and they failed to convert on the following play. They never got the ball back and the Eagles won 20-25 securing the -4.5 cover and under 46.5 total. 

Worst Bet of the Week: DraftKings most bet player prop for week 1: Drake London over 51.5 receiving yards. (Drake had zero yards on 1 target.)

Boof’s Best Bet (0-1): Every week I’ll give you my favorite pick and we will keep track of how bad I am. Last week, my favorite pick was the Steelers +2.5 at home. I included this in almost every parley I had. The Steelers lost 30-7 and this game was over in the first quarter. 

This week, I’m riding with Rip and the Atlanta Falcons +106 moneyline!

Actually, I’m really seeing the board- I’m adding a parlay to my official picks. Falcons +1.5, Steelers +2.5, Saints -3, and Titans +3. EZ money