LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Dick Butkus (better known as 'Cock Asslick' to friends and family) passed away this week. Shout out to a legend and a pioneer of the game, probably. I was too little when he was playing so I don't know if he actually did anything for the game tbh. The Patriots are officially really really bad. The 49ers are officially really really good. The Bears may still be really really bad... and if that's the case, then Washington is REALLY REALLY bad. Israel and Hamas began the first game in their Home and Home series, hoping for a clean game from everyone.

Game Results

Chafey's Tender Fellas 115.84 - 86.08 Stated Island Jokers

Josh famously drafted two Defenses this year, and early on, his Defensive juggernaut paid off. Perfectly rotating the Niners and Cowboys in the first two weeks net Josh 30 points combined. Since then, however, Josh's Defenses have had scoring outings of -2, 1, and 1 points, including this week when he picked up a THIRD DEFENSE. For those doing the math, that's a grand total of 0 points. In fact, in terms of points scored by Defense on the season, the Jokers (30) are third to last, with only Jared (21) and Mingus (18) getting less of a boost from their Defense. So where are Josh's points coming from? Look no further than the QB position. Josh has scored 223 points from the QB (and SuperFlex) position this year, which amounts to 42% of his scoring output on the season! For reference, the next closest team is the Melonheads, who have accumulated 32% of their scoring from the QB position, 10% less than the Jokers. So the Jokers are relying on their QB's far more than any other team, and the results have been lackluster so far. The lack of depth from having 3 defenses took its toll this week, as the Jokers had no one to play on Monday Night after Aaron Jones was a late scratch. Josh opted to play Kareem Hunt, who was on bye, in his place. Chafey had a solid all around performance, no outstanding scores, no huge duds, just everyone performing pretty okay, and it ended up being enough against the inferior Jokers squad.

Jtopia Football Club 129.0 - 87.34 Team Pup N Suds 

Justin Jefferson only scored 4 points and got injured? Surely Jay must have gotten smoked, right? Luckily, Jay has never given up on his keeper choice of Justin Fields, and that finally paid off here in Week 5. Fields popped off Justin time, and paired up with Etienne and the Saints Defense, the Football Club took control in this one. The Pup N Suds squad put all their chips in the Washing ton Commanders basket, and despite a monster second half from Sam Howell, it did not pay dividends. Stefon Diggs  continued his impressive season from across the pond this week (he's now WR2 on the season), but with the Sun God out, none of the Pups other skill players could get it together. Kyle Pitts scored above his projected points for the 4th time in his entire career, which really just meant the stars were aligning for Jay this week.

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 103.5 - 155.94 Hard knockers

Jared's struggles have been well documented so far this season. The Hard Knockers have looked more like Knockers of a different nature (soft), and they really needed a breakout performance to get the ball rolling in the right direction. Well we got exactly that this week, as the Jared Goof and rookie TE Sam LaPorta connected for the Lions' share of points against Carolina. It was also a massive bounceback week for a finally healthy Breece Hall, who showed flashes of brilliance last year, and is finally starting to return to form. Really just about everyone on the Hard Knockers had a great week, and it all accumulated in the 2nd highest score of the week for the Knockers. Luke's team has been just about the unluckiest Ducks I've ever seen, and has resulted in them bumbling and a stumbling to a 1-4 record. I wish I could have seen the look on Luke's face as he dragged Zach Wilson into his starting lineup, because I can only assume that was truly the face of a broken man. Zack Moss apparently didn't get the news that Jonathan Taylor was back, and he exploded for 30+ points on Luke's bench. To make things even more unlucky, the 1-4 Lucky Ducks have scored more points on the season than the other Hoff Man, the Melonheads, who sit at 3-2. The Lucky Ducks also have the most Points Against through 5 weeks by over 40 points.

Lets expose someone who didn't read the report. After reading, go into Glucose Formula and send a message stating: "I wouldn't mind if Vince Wilfork gave my mom a back massage". If someone else has already sent this message, give it a thumbs up and respond: "Big Wilfork Energy!". Even if you are not the first to say "Big Wilfork Energy" send it again anyways.

Team MingusBluesBoys 183.12 - 128.74 Myers Man's Men 

The Mingus Blues Boys are really starting to piss everyone off. On Thursday Night, Justin Fields saw all of his receivers downfield asking for the ball and he simply said "No. I like DJ Moore". The 45 point bombshell from Mr. Don Julio himself put Carson in a great position to start the week, and the Monstars gave Joe Burrow his ability to throw good back, which only extended the lead. Purdy and Kittle started to score some points while Carson was still projected to win by 430 points, but that didn't stop him from antagonizing Carter with a little "ohh nooeeessss! Puwdy and Kiwwtle pwease stop it!" message that got the whole chat riled up. Carson is now 4-1 with the most Points For, and is also just kind of a little bitch. We would appreciate it if he would stop winning. WTF is a MingusBluesBoy. You don't have any spaces in your team name, gtfoh. Carter's team is still a force to be reckoned with, and he put up the third highest score of the week with multiple key players on their Bye. Definitely a team to look out for in the future, and one that just want to root for, a real technically sound team that plays the game the right way, and respects their opponent, unlike Carson.

Bo0ya's ornery Melonheads 107.88 - 130.18 Boof's Big Beefy Boys

That's a really nice argument you have there, but have you considered the fact that Ja'Marr Chase? The Bengals star WR finally broke his chains this week and, simply put, he ate. Josh's Beefy Boys had a pretty solid outing, but they don't win this matchup without the explosion from Ja'Marr. I'm trying to think of a good play on words with Ja'Marr Chase and the best I've got so far is that his name kind of sounds like Jafar? From Aladdin? There's probably some sort of genie or lamp joke to be made there, stay tuned to see if we can get some traction on that in future weeks. The L stings for the Melonheads, but the bigger blow is that Anthony Richardson is out for a few weeks. The Rookie QB has been an exciting surprise to start this season, but he has also been injured 3 different times in 3 different places through 5 weeks. The Melonheads will have to pivot at QB next week as their team travels to Wembley to take on Jtopia FC for the FA cup.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

Sean Payton and the Broncos are still a dumpster fire and Joe Burrow and the Bengals seemed to remember that the game requires points to be won. Here are this week’s New York Giants.

Anthony Richardson- Richardson suffered an AC joint injury and will miss a few games going forward. Richardson has now been injured twice in his rookie season, and the Colts will have to rely on Gardner Minshew to keep the ship afloat in his absence. Colts owner Jim Irsay has been seen on the sideline trying his best Dazzle impersonation while casting “Shallow Grave” on Richardson, but it seems he never has enough mana because Jonathon Taylor bought all of the mangoes out of spite. 

Justin Jefferson- Jefferson has a hamstring injury and will be on IR for the next 4 weeks. The Vikings are reeling and look to possibly be in for a huge rebuild in the upcoming future. Jefferson has been reported to have requested a trade to the Titans after they have committed to drafting “Ken Nephews” in the first round of next year's draft. Nephews apparently swears profusely and hates his family which makes Jefferson feel it may be a fresh new start in a different environment. 

Daniel Jones- Jones suffered a neck injury in the Giants loss on Sunday. Davis Mills has come forward and offered “up to 6 inches” off of his neck to help rebuild the stricken quarterback’s sinnews. This offer may be too nice to pass up for Daboll as he loves to send Danny Dimes out to get his “Duke Degree” body pounded for as many snaps as possible. 

James Connor- Connor suffered a knee injury and may be out for the foreseeable future. Somehow, this ragtag bunch in Arizona continues to compete. Per Adam Schefter on X, the team has decided that they will be debuting a new reward for defenders who can come up with turnovers in the coming weeks. Whoever makes the massive defensive play gets to wear Kyler Murray’s bra on the sideline until the next possession. This should be a coveted award going forward. 

Connor's Meme of the week

Boof’s Best Bets™