LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: The Bills continue to look like the team to beat, THREE massive comebacks from the 'Phins, Cards and Jets shocked the world, Mike Evans predictably got in a fight with Lattimore and got suspended, Trey Lance died on the field, More details came out about Brett Favre stealing money from the homeless, and I did some yard work on Saturday which was pretty uneventful.

Game Results

Staten Island Jokers 139.00 - 112.14 Chafey's Buff Boys

This week's Fantasy Roundup is brought to you by Clorox®. Clorox sets the standard in cleaning for US households by ensuring all our products are safe, sustainable, and effective. Try our #1 rated bleach, which comes in handy for keeping your whites sparkly clean, and as a tasty snack when Michael Pittman Jr. is suddenly declared OUT on Saturday and your WR backups are yung Jokah and DeAndre "Barry Bonds" Hopkins and you are forced to pickup DJ Shart and he scores a nothingburger in a game where his team puts 36 on the board. The good news for the Buff Boys is that Aaron Jones scored 2 TD's and Michael Thomas continues to return to form. The bad news is literally everything else. The Jokers started off shaky on Thursday night, when Ekeler and Kelce performed OK, but not great. On Sunday, however, it was the Nick Chubb show, who ran in 3 tuddy's and rallied the Browns to a- wait, they LOST???? Okay well it wasn't Chubb's fault, he did really well. Curtis Samuel also impressed, and proved to be a valuable waiver pickup this past week. As the icing on the cake, Josh got to watch Monday Night Football on his lunch break, where Jalen Hurts continued his impressive start to the season, and the Eagles made the Vikings mash their subscribe button. The Jokers from Staten Island are one of only two remaining unbeaten teams, and their chances of reaching the playoffs are 69%, which is, indeed, the sex number.

Boof's Big Beefy Boys 100.94 - 164.44 Team Pup N Suds

You know how I said that the Pup N Suds could only be good if the Titans picked it up big time on offense? Well I was very wrong, because the Titans got tarred and feathered on Live TV Monday Night, and the Pups STILL put up the top score in the league this week by a long shot. Tua Tugonmyballsack scored a MONSTER 6 TD's while completing the comeback from a 20-point second half deficit, and led with poise and porpoise for the Dolphins (wtf? I'm sorry, this joke sucks). Stephon Diggs erupted against the Titans, which was likely bittersweet for Connor to see his player score so much while simultaneously smearing poop on the faces of his hometown team. If that wasn't enough to seal the victory, the Sun God snapped his suspenders before going monster berserk on the Commanders, with 100+ yards and 2 TD's of his own (Feels like some of those probably could have gone to Chark, idk). For the Beefy Boys, it was a week to forget. Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson will probably be having nightmares of Darius Slay completely shutting down their connection, C-Pat and Saquads didn't score very much as a joke, and the Bengals Defense got owned by Cooper Rush. Regardless, it would have been a tough week since 3 players on the Pup N Suds outscored the entire Beefy Boys squad.

Myers Man's Men 119.32 - 118.72 Boob Plowers

The Myers Men benefitted from an absurd 42 points from Ravens RB1 Lamar Jackson this week, in a game that his team bungled in spectacular fashion, while Kyler Murray for the Boob Plowers was on the other side of an unfathomable comeback, featuring a spectacular 2-point conversion where he ran for 85 yards to pick up the 2 yards needed for the conversion. In such a close matchup, the Plowers are likely wishing Darnell M00ney had never been born, considering his measly 0.1 point contribution, which is almost worse than scoring no points at all. The Plowers have to be looking with regret at the receivers on their bench, any of which would have secured the win. Unfortunately for the Man's Men, Trey Lance did suffer an injury vs. the Seahawks. It looked greusome at first, but luckily, reports indicate that he only ended up breaking every single bone in his right leg. He should be set up for a swift recovery, and a return to the field in the next 3-4 years. Luke's team is off to a disappointing 0-2 start, but has lost both contests by a combined 4.5 points, he will continue the search for a ripe bosom in week 3 against Jtopia's Football Club.

Mingus Blues bOys 129.34 - 143.74 Jtopia Football Club

It's often speculated in the scientific community that dolphins are sexually deviant animals that may even have a tendency for rape, and that was on full display in this matchup, as both teams featured Dolphins receivers going absolutely Goblin mode en route to their shocking comeback in Baltimore. For the Mingus Blues Boys, Aaron Rodgers led the Packmen to a solid win vs. Chicago, but even after consulting with Joe Rogan on ways to improve his qi pre-game, didn't deliver the gaudy numbers we expect from an MVP. Conversely, Jtopia leaned on solid performances from his QB's, which proved to be the difference after Tyreek and Waddle's performances cancelled each other out. The question remains as to whether the Football Club will finally sub in James Robinson off the bench, as that will surely be the week that ETN solidifies himself as RB1 in Jacksonville. Despite the loss, Carson has to be relieved that his team rebounded from Week 1's certified stinker, and scored in the top half of the league. He will look to squish the Melonheads next week, in a battle that is sure to be as ornery as ever.

Motor City Raw Dogs 101.82 - 105.96 Bo0ya's Ornery Melonheads

Speaking of Melonheads, Bo0ya's ornery men narrowly squeaked out a victory against the Raw Dogs this week in a defensive battle for the ages. I have never seen a matchup where both teams' highest scorer was the defense, and I'm just now seeing that Kupp scored more than the TB defense so I still haven't seen that happen, and there's a drive into deep left field by Castellanos and that'll be a home run. And so that'll make it a 4-0 ballgame. The big performance from Cooper is something we have come to expect, and was the difference in this matchup, where the Raw Dogs couldn't get a breakout week from any of his skill position players. Part of this is due to the Motor City Bengals trio proving underwhelming this week, but you have to believe the Cincinnati offense will find a way to right the ship soon, and when they do, Jared will be there to reap the rewards eagerly and willingly.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

• Justin Herbert took a beating in his loss to the KC Chiefs this week and suffered fractured rib cartilage. He is slated as day to day and may play as early as this upcoming week. This injury should free up his time to focus on his true life passion, making money off of commercials for predatory payday loans and dandruff shampoo for old men trying to grow their hair out way past their prime.

• Trey Lance broke his ankle and should be out for the remainder of the 49ers season. However, we have just been informed that Lance has been collecting coochie juice from his club outings and their healing juices may be used to expedite his recovery.

• Jerry Jeudy suffered a rib injury and may miss significant time. If so Russell Wilson and the Broncos will have to ride without him. Melvin Gordon III has offered to split himself into three Melvin Gordon I’s to split up the workload.

• Hunter Renfrow and Devin Duvernay are both in concussion protocol, so they could miss some action going forward. Renfrow has stated that his hit to his head may have actually caused the neurons in his brain responsible for motor function in his arms and hands to return. The Raider faithful are hopeful he has regained the ability to hold a football, and if not, Renfrow may end up in concussion protocol from a drunk raider fan hitting him in their souped up Hyundai Tiburon.

• Mike Evans and Marshon Lattimore got into a major altercation in the Bucs and Saints game on Sunday. While this is not an injury, Mike Evans has been suspended for one game and seems poised to appeal the decision. Reports show that Marshon Lattimore claimed to have hacked into Brady’s Bungie account and deleted his God Roll Taipan- 4FR with Triple Tap and Firing Line. Mike Evans could not handle the disrespect and acted upon his anger. Maybe in the future he will keep calm and remember that some of those weapons can simply be crafted and Lattimore is not worth it.

OVerwatch - A waiver Report from Josh West

Gay in a Radius Waiver Watch – Week 2

With Kolkata adopting Free Agent Acquisition Budget (FAAB) this year, many teams are attempting to bolster their strength for the rest of the year. Let's take a look at last week's pick-ups, this week's performances, and the remaining FAABs for the team managers.

JFC: Bid $36 – Jeff Wilson Sr., RB

While Jay loves to play RB mahjong and make pairs picking up both RBs for the Jets AND Jags (why is he our commissioner), the RB position continues to elude him as he dropped $36 on Jeff Wilson Sr.. It was money well spent, with the “Senior” RB providing 11.3 points (outscoring 3/5ths of his backfield). He squeezed out the win vs. the Mingus Blues Boys. Jeff Wilson may be a big producer, with 3 out of the next four games being favorable matchups while Mitchell misses time. Will production diminish with JimmyG returning under center? We will see. Giving this pick-up grade A for RB1 value.

Boof’s Big Beefy Boys: Bid $26 – Julio Jones, WR

The reigning two-time has thrown down money for the 33-year-old WR. He did not play due to a game-day decision knee injury (Carter has heard this story before). While $26 may seem like a high price, Boof will somehow end up with the best team through trade tactics we will never comprehend. This pick-up could be huge as the Tampa Bay wideout room is in shambles. Giving this acquisition a B.

Jokers: Bid $21 – Dontrell Hilliard, RB

The Jokers have a well-balanced team but needed help in the backfield. Unfortunately, Hilliard did not play in week 2, which puts a big question mark on the Joker’s intentions with this one. No one has heard of our boy Dontrell, but after 2 TDs in week 1, he looks to be a solid choice once healthy. Giving this pricy pick up a D.

Jokers: Bid $16 – Curtis Samuel, WR

Curtis got slotted into the Joker’s starting lineup and netted 19 points this week, surpassing his FPTS:$ ratio. The wideout was targeted 20 times through week 2 and also picks up some rushing attempts on jet sweeps in addition to 2 total TDs. Giving this an A grade.

Boof’s Big Beefy Boys: Bid $12 – Joshua Palmer, WR

Boof felt INCREDIBLE with the draft's biggest steal – Amari Cooper taken 110th overall (ADP 82). He dropped Amari to pick up up-and-coming WR Joshua Palmer from the LAC. Palmer had 8 targets, 4 catches, for 30 yards and 1 TD (11 points), while the more prominent and beefier Amari Cooper put up real man numbers. 9 receptions on 10 targets, 101 yards with 1 TD (20.6 points). The two-time champ has to be kicking himself after this one as he is losing every bet and being the worst at fantasy. Despite this, Snickers seemed to like the acquisition and has gained 6 places in the AI table. Giving this grade an F due to the associated drop of a 2x scorer.

Myers Man’s Men: Bid $8 – Gerald Everett, TE

Carter drafted George Kittle 62nd overall, but had a vacant TE spot due to injury. So you know Carter had pen and paper at hand while listening to his fantasy bros podcast taking notes on doing precisely what they said. Everett saw 10 targets with 6 receptions netting 71 yards – a lovely game. This was a value pick-up as Kittle is likely set to return for action in week 3. In a game against the Boob Plowers decided by 0.6 points, Everett singlehandedly won the Man’s Men the game. Grade A+ and Overwatch Pickup of the Week!!! Rough loss for the Boob Plowers.

Chafey’s Buff Boys: Bid $7 – Marcus Mariota, QB

Chafey has possibly the worst WR room in the whole league. His 6 receivers put up 28.3 points, or an average of 4.7 points per wideout. Despite his glaring weakness for the flex position, he picks up Marcus Mariota, who is overachieving this year and keeping the Falcons in games. Mariota put up 13 points this week and could see explosive games in the future. This is a solid value pick-up coming in with a B grade as dual-threat QBs are very important in the Offensive Personnel style league. One can only assume Chafey enjoys having 4 WRs on his team that score a combined 1 point.

Team Pup n Suds: Bid $0 – Tyler Higbee, TE

Connor didn’t need the points this week, scoring a league-high; however, Higbee was a significant upgrade at the TE position, netting 10.6 points this week. It was a $0 pick-up fee and gave Conner the Great Value Pick-up of the Week with an A+ grade.

Connor's Meme of the week